Rebirth
by LAPoch
Summary: Set after Goodbye and Good Luck. Sara seeks help to return to Grissom, but a surprise brings her back sooner than expected. GSR! This story is complete! Fluffy epilogue added....
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or the characters.

**Chapter One: Going Back**

Sara had not anticipated the resistance she would get from Dr. Daly when she informed her she wanted to move back to Vegas. Early on in her therapy she had brought the subject up, and the doctor quickly nixed the idea, pointing out that she was a long way away from living with her disorder. Even so, Sara reasoned that people change doctors all the time, why should this be any different. Her mind was made up when she went into the office for her appointment.

Sara entered the office, taking her usual posture in her usual chair, "Dr. Daly, I've made a decision." She shifted nervously, "I've decided that it's time for me to return to Las Vegas. I was hoping you could recommend a doctor there for me to continue with."

Dr. Daly calmly eyed Sara up, "Sara, I really think you need to hold off on that, at least for now, anyway."

"I've made up my mind. I can't stay away from Gil any longer. You've really helped me understand some of the reasons why I left, and what I need to face to get well, and I'd like to go back now."

"This isn't like treating high blood pressure, there's no recipe to follow, no algorithm. Treating a disorder like yours is a journey, and we're just starting out. You will potentially lose all our progress when you move on." Not wanting to sound boastful, but needing to point out her expertise, "Also, you must be aware, there are very few psychiatrists that specialize in your disorder, and I am one of them."

"I understand all of that, but I am really feeling better, and I need to return to my life. I won't stop seeking therapy, I promise."

"What about your family here? The interaction with them is helping you come to terms with all this?"

"It definitely helps, but now that we have reconnected, I can contact them when I need their input. I don't need to physically be in the same city."

"Why can't Gil move here for a while? Wouldn't that solve everything?"

"No," laughing at the notion of Grissom leaving that lab, "He built that lab into what it is; it's part of him, I couldn't ask that of him."

"Why do I get the feeling there is something you are not telling me?"

Sara grinned, "Because, you say you that every session!" Sara did her best imitation of her doctor, "Now, Sara, I think there is more you're not telling me…."

Even Adrienne laughed at Sara's imitation, "But, it's true, getting the whole story out of you takes some intense prodding. That is a manifestation of your condition after all. Seriously now, are you really telling me the only reason you want to return is to reunite with Gil."

"Yes," Sara answered, knowing it was only part of the truth.

"Would it change anything if I waived my fees for you until you return to work?"

"Why would you do something like that?"

"I believe that strongly that you should stay in therapy with me."

"Wow," Sara was overwhelmed with her compassion. "I'm really touched by that, but I'm also determined to get back what I had and then some. I need to leave now."

"Ok, well," she shrugged, "you sound determined. You can always change your mind, but in the meantime, I'll set up a referral for you." She pulled a notepad from a drawer with her address book and began writing, "Do you have a moving date arranged?"

The question hit Sara between the eyes. She broached the subject with her doctor before making sure Gil would even take her back in.

When she left Las Vegas ten weeks ago she was totally adrift. She didn't even completely understand the reason why she had to leave; she only knew it was what she had to do. Even so, it didn't stop her from missing Gil the minute her plane took off. She had spent a lot of her life in some sort of pain, but this pain was gut wrenching. It made her whole life even harder for her to comprehend. She could only imagine how hard it was for someone else to understand, namely Grissom.

When she saw what her brother had become, a contented, successful husband and father, she knew then she wanted to do what he had done. He took her to Dr. Daly. Immediately it was obvious that the little bit of counseling the department had offered was woeful compared to the power of the therapy she commanded. It wasn't long before Sara had a name to her pain; something she could Google and learn about. It was clear early on that she left Grissom because the ultimate expression of her Adult Attachment Disorder left her unable to have a successful relationship.

Three weeks after leaving, and after several sessions with the doctor and visits with her family, Sara felt ready to see Gil again. They had a few phone conversations, but mainly consisting of her reassuring him that she would be Ok. She was scared to ask how he felt about a visit from her. What if he rejected her after the way she left? Who could blame him, she thought. She decided to just show up, let herself into the townhouse, and wait for him to come home. She reasoned it would be harder for him to throw her out than it would be to tell her not to come.

She was sitting on the sofa when he entered the house. He hadn't seen her in three weeks. At first he was unable to move or speak upon seeing her there. As she rose to greet him, he dropped his case and keys and grabbed her up. He was like a starving man thrown into a gourmet banquet of boundless food. If she had ever wondered how much he had missed her and wanted her back, his reaction upon seeing her again should have forever squelched that worry. He tried to talk to her, to know how and why she was there with him then, but he couldn't stop touching her, kissing her. Sara was caught up in it as well, and clothes were flying around the room as the couple stumbled trying for their bedroom. They never got there before they were totally spent together. Round two was in the bedroom, and Gil called into work for personal reasons for the first time in over a decade.

The hardest part of the visit was telling Gil she had to leave again. He couldn't believe his ears at first, but she began to explain things, and it all made sense. They worked on a way to remain a couple, but that allowed her to do what was necessary to reunite with him for the balance of their lives. They established a phone call routine to continue communication. They researched vacation spots between San Francisco and Las Vegas where they could periodically rendezvous. He learned everything he could about Adult Attachment disorder.

A month and a half had gone by since that first visit. They talked regularly, but it was mostly chit chat about the day's events. They managed one other visit at a cabin in the middle of nowhere, but managed to talk about nothing more serious than what to make for dinner. Next week they were to meet again at the cabin, but Sara wanted to be home before that. She wanted to go home to him and stay there. _I guess I'm not as improved as I thought; I never even had the courage to get his thoughts on it. _

She was paralyzed; unable to broach the subject with him out of an irrational fear of rejection. She decided to take the same tactic as before. _I'll just move back in while he's working._ She pointed to a day on the calendar, circled it, and started packing.

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or the characters.

**Chapter 2: The Referral**

Dr. Carla Reese just finished up a session when her receptionist buzzed in with a phone message. "Dr. Reese, a Dr. Daly left you a message regarding a patient she is referring to you."

"What?" Carla Reese was stunned, "Dr. Adrienne Daly, in San Francisco?"

"Yes, I think that was her first name," Donna replied from her receptionist desk.

Carla ran out of her office, "Let me see that."

_Carla, I'm sending you a patient. The phone call is just a head's up to let you know I sent her chart to you overnight. You should have it already. I must warn you, don't thank me yet. She's the toughest nut I've tried to crack in a while, an immense challenge, and she's leaving the area to move there, against my strongly worded advice. Give me a call once you've reviewed things. I'm available to help in anyway I can. Thanks, Adrienne._

"It reads like she dictated all this."

"No," she shrugged, "I took a little break, and it was on the voice mail."

Donna reeked of cigarettes and was chomping on some gum, but Dr. Reese didn't want to worry with that at the moment. "Oh, my, this is incredible," Carla was beaming, trying to make sense of the referral.

"What's the big deal anyway?" Donna asked, "People send you patients all the time."

"Not her!" Carla was still looking at the message, "She doesn't send anybody patients. People send _her_ patients. It's the other way around." Pacing now, "And, what's the rush? Why the overnight chart?" she wondered, rubbing her temples.

Donna held up a package, "You mean this little stack of light reading?"

Dr. Carla Reese's eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store, but she had work to do. Her next patient just arrived; so it was back in her office, the referral would have to wait.

Dr. Reese was embroiled in a session that would try any psychotherapist. This patient had minor issues by comparison to most patients, and even more minor will to work on them. Carla managed to slog through it. She gave this poor victim of everyone and everything some constructive things to work on in the coming week; although, she was warned that those tasks were too trying for him to tackle. _So it is, who knew? _Nothing was as frustrating as someone seeing problems bigger than they were or someone not wanting to help them self. Both of Dr. Reese's pet peeves wrapped into one patient. Little did she know, the referral she was so anxious to get started on was the exact opposite in both respects. Sara Sidle was someone who minimized huge problems, but once acknowledged, had the resolve of a powerful army when it came to defeating them.

Mercifully, the end of her schedule was finished, and she could take home and peruse the reading she had been positively salivating over.

Carla Reese was perfectly suited for an adult psychiatric practice. She went to medical school a bit squeamish, but always thought she'd get over all that. While that is the typical case, she was the exception; she got worse. Psychiatry was a natural choice for her; no blood or physical pain, no life and death drama. Even in her private practice she gravitated away from hospitalized patients, and preferred talk over drugs any day. An area of interest for her was adults with attachment trauma issues. These patients were adults who suffered emotional or physical traumas as children, and were now suffering the effects into adulthood. They typically displayed difficulties in relationships, and were particularly rewarding to help. She thought about specializing in that type of patient exclusively, but didn't want to court burn out. Her mentor in the field was Dr. Adrienne Daly. Dr. Daly did nothing but adult attachment patients, and enjoyed a national reputation in the area. To get this referral from her, clearly a challenging patient, and with an offer to provide insights along the way, might have been the crowning achievement of her practice thus far.

She ripped into the package. It contained a summary statement on top, and dictated notes from every session Dr. Daly had with the patient.

_Transfer of Care Summary prepared for Carla Reese M.D._

_Date: 1/22/2008_

_Name: Sara Sidle_

_Referral Source: Eric Sidle, brother_

_Diagnosis: Adult Attachment Disorder, Acutely exacerbated by a Post Traumatic Stress Episode_

_Social History: 35 y.o. white female, never married. No children. Estranged from a brother and a mother. Father deceased. Until recently, employed by Las Vegas Police as a crime scene investigator. Very impressive intelligence and education._

_Clinical Summary: The patient was fairly functional despite severe attachment disorder, until late summer of last year. She was in a stable, long term romantic relationship, and was engaged to be married. She had several close friends; however, she finds it nearly impossible to open up to her friends. She even kept her romantic relationship secret from everyone she knew. For that reason these relationships don't seem genuine, although she definitely has people she cares about, and care for her back. _

_Her life changed when she was the victim of an abduction by a serial killer. She spent hours alone with her life in the balance, and was truly lucky to survive the episode. She endured being lost in the desert for the better part of a day before she was rescued, half dead of dehydration. That was when things started to unravel for her. That trauma rocked her world, the ghosts of her past jumped out, and she hasn't handled anything very well since. She admitted that she would not have sought out therapy if it had not been for that recent event. She basically just walked right out of her own life. She quit her job, left her boyfriend, and moved away._

_She sought help from her estranged mother and brother. Her brother has successfully achieved fulfilling family relationships after 5 years of therapy with me. He has recovered from substance abuse issues, and is happily married for 8 years, with two children. He brought her straight to me. _

_All three of them were victims of physical and verbal abuse by the father. Their mother reciprocated much of the abusive behavior, occasionally taking it out on the children, but significantly culminating in the stabbing death of the father at the hands of the mother. While it's hard to imagine that not being self defense, a court of law did not see it that way. The mother went to jail and the children were split up shortly after entering foster care. _

_The goal of therapy has been for the patient to face what happened in her past and learn to live with it. Her compensatory mechanism has always been to hide it, from both herself and others, and, as expected, that no longer works for her. She is completely unable to confide in people, except her boyfriend, but even that became difficult after her abduction episode. Early sessions were hampered by her inability to share, even in the sanctity of my office. She was near a breakthrough in that regard. She was starting to talk more freely about her childhood._

_Despite this progress, she has abruptly decided to return to Las Vegas. Her stated reasons are that she no longer feels she needs to be near her family to continue to heal, and she would like to return to her relationship. _

_Dictated by Adrienne Daly, MD, PhD. _

In long hand at the bottom of the page was written:

_Carla, good luck with this woman, she really deserves to overcome this, but it will be difficult. Call me when you get through the clinic notes, we'll chat. I'll help from here in any way I can, Adrienne._

_PS, on a practical note, her contact information is listed below, if you do not hear from her within a week, I think it would be prudent to contact her. I'm afraid she may try to go back into hiding from all of this…._

TBC...

A/N: Attachment disorder is a real diagnosis, and it does fit with Sara, but the exact expression and treatment may vary from this story. In other words there is plenty of dramatic licence at work here! Just FYI.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Three: "Honey, I'm Home!"**

Sara really hadn't taken much with her to San Francisco. Most of what she had was still in Vegas, in storage. She arrived at the townhouse, and began settling in. She even went to the grocery to stock the fridge with her stuff. Then it was time to wait. Wait for Gil Grissom to come home.

It wasn't nearly as long a wait as she anticipated. She fell asleep perched by the window looking out to the street; she wanted to see him as soon as he arrived. It was only two am when she was awakened by a Denali as it whipped into his parking space. She watched as none other than Catherine exited the vehicle, going around to the passenger side to help Grissom get out. He stumbled a bit, then slung an arm over her shoulders and she threw one of hers back around his waist. They were laughing together as they made their way to the door.

Sara stared in abject horror. _They look like two people on a date. A wild one, at that. _She panicked. _Did he turn to Catherine while I was away? _She had no idea what to do. She was even feeling nauseous at the sight, so she decided to turn out the lights and the music and retreat to the bathroom just to be safe, or more accurately, to hide until she could figure out what to do.

When Catherine got the door open, Grissom obliged by stumbling on in. "You know, you and Brass have thrown our whole shift off with your boys' night out thing!" she scolded. "I hope you can manage from here on, because I have got to get back to the lab."

"I'm not that bad, Catherine," he swayed a bit as he finished, "I just didn't think either one of us should be driving."

"Good call on that!" She called out on her way toward the door, "You get one free ride, after that, it's cab fare!" and she was gone.

Sara was out of earshot; however, and her panic mode was in high gear. She knew she had to face this situation. If they were truly headed for the bedroom, she wasn't about to wait it out in the bathroom anyway. She took a deep breath and opened the door to an empty room. She was slightly relieved as she braved her way out into a quiet townhouse. Catherine was nowhere in sight, and Gil was already asleep in a recliner. That's as far as he got on his own. Sara was now wondering about the whole thing. _Just what were they doing?_

She reached up and gently nudged his shoulder. He managed to open one eye, then the other, looking up strangely at her. "I must have had more to drink than I thought," he mumbled out loud.

"Gil?" Sara knelt down at his side, "What's happening? Did Catherine leave?"

Struggling to get oriented, he was mightily confused. At the last minute, Catherine had asked Gil to switch a shift with her, so she offered to work tonight for him in return. He hadn't even had a chance to call Sara yet when he and Brass realized they were both off. They decided to go out and grab a beer together. They hadn't been out in a long time, so beer turned into whiskey and one turned into several. When they finally decided to call it a night, they called the team first to see if anybody was in the neighborhood. Catherine was heading back to the lab from a crime scene and offered to drive them both home. That's how he got there, now how in the world did Sara get there. "Sara, I don't understand, how is it you are here?"

"I, uh, I missed you." _That was lame. _

"That's it. That's the only reason?!" He grimaced, "I miss you all the time. ALL the time." She was so incredibly relieved to hear those words. But he continued, clearly agitated, "How come you can just pop in on me, but I can't come see you whenever I want?"

"Well, I'd like to talk about that," Sara meekly said in reply. This was not at all the homecoming she had hoped for. "First, can you tell me what Catherine was doing here?"

"She drove me and Brass home," he looked down, a bit ashamed, "for obvious reasons."

Sara started to laugh, "You were out with Brass?!"

"Yeah," he looked around, even more confused, "Who else would I go out with?"

"I don't know," she could scarcely get the words out; she was laughing in such relief. She then moved in closer to him, peppering him with kisses.

"Hold on a minute," he cautioned. "I still don't know what's going on with you, I want to talk first."

"OK," she backed off, a little hurt. "Ask away."

He stared up and down at her. He couldn't believe the sight right before him. She was there with him, looking beautiful as ever, stunning really, in her own unique way. He pulled her closer and began to kiss her softly around the face, then down her neck, as his hands fumbled with her shirt.

"I thought you wanted to talk first," she moaned.

He pulled back, staring intently into her eyes, "No," he pursed his lips and shook his head, "I changed my mind; I want to talk _second_." They both grinned broadly, and she helped him out of the chair and into their bedroom.

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Four: The Talk**

Grissom woke first; a well deserved headache was the culprit. He looked at Sara in amazement, she was really there, and he hadn't dreamt it after all. He gently wiggled out of bed, and noticed how deeply she was sleeping. He hadn't seen her sleep like that in what seemed like forever. She never seemed to be able to sleep like that after the kidnapping.

He went about his morning routine. Upon opening the fridge he noticed Sara's restocking efforts. She put all the ingredients for her favorite breakfast in a prominent location on the top shelf so he couldn't miss it. With a huge grin, he started making the French toast, finishing it up with powdered sugar and fresh strawberries. He had a breakfast tray made up, complete with a cut flower he stole from his neighbor's window box.

He awakened Sara with a soft kiss and the aroma of her favorite breakfast. She slowly stirred, smiling as she took in the scene. "Good Morning, Dear," he cooed.

"I must be in heaven," she breathed out.

He set the tray down in front of her as she sat up and stretched. "Are you ready to tell me the real reason you're back?" he asked, with a slight shake of his head.

"How can you wonder that question, look at how you treat me," she said, laughing.

"I just have the feeling you're not telling me everything," he stated.

"Mmph, you sound like my therapist," she winced.

"Gee, Sara, if everybody keeps telling you the same thing, maybe it's something you should listen to," he said with his eyebrows raised.

"Gil, I know we haven't talked about this yet, but you know, well, I'd like to come home permanently."

His mouth dropped open in shock, "You mean it? You're ready to come home?"

"Yes," she laughed, "I really am." She closed her eyes savoring a bite of French toast.

"But, I don't understand. Last time we talked about this, you told me the doctor in San Francisco told you it would be a mistake to try to leave there until you had come to terms with your family relationships. I find it hard to believe that is over and done with that quickly."

"No, you're right. She still didn't think I should leave, but…"

He stood, and interrupted her, "Sara! You can't afford to do this halfway."

"Wait a minute, hear me out," she pleaded. "She also said my relationship with you was another key to my recovery. I wanted to start working on that." She took his hand, and stared into his remarkable eyes.

"I'll do anything to help you Sara, you know that."

"Yes," she nodded, "I do." She got comfortable with the tray again, sneaking a few more mind blowing tastes of his handiwork, before starting to explain further. "Gil, this is what I'm looking at. Evidently, my problems relating to people come from my experiences of my childhood. I was pretty functional despite that, but they tell me it's not uncommon for a trauma of adulthood to bring childhood traumas closer to the surface. That's why I fell apart; I'm starting to get it now. From what I understand, I need to accept what happened, grieve, and give it closure. After that, the doctor said that having intimacy with you would be like a life raft. It could be like a conduit into having more normal relationships with other people. I sort of have to relearn all of that. Frankly, she was shocked that as affected as I am by all this stuff, she couldn't believe that I was able to have the relationship with you that I do. She said that is evidence of how powerful the love I have for you truly is." Pausing for a few more bites, "And, I don't just love you for your French toast, you know."

"It sounds complicated."

"It is a little, but," she chewed between words, "It makes more and more sense with every session I have."

"So are you still working through the relationship with your mother?"

"Yes, that will take some time. But, it's like I told Dr. Daly, my mother and I have reestablished contact. When I need to, I can always talk to her by phone. We don't need to stay in the same city for me to work on that."

He still looked worried. "Gil, honey, people change doctors all the time. I needed to be here with you." He smiled and nodded. "Besides, Dr. Daly supposedly sent my records to somebody she recommended here. I'm going to call her today and make my first appointment."

The last sentence brought a huge smile of relief to his face. He took her hand once more, "Ok, but are you sure you're telling me everything? Nothing happened between you and your mom, did it?"

She wasn't telling him everything. She had learned something about herself in San Francisco that she had come to Vegas to share with him, but even if someone had a gun pointed at her head, she could not utter the words to share it with him. She opened her mouth to speak, but her body defied her. She couldn't do it, period. _What's wrong with me! Why can't I just tell him? _She was so disabled emotionally, so disconnected from him despite trying with every fiber of her being to bare her soul to him. She started to tear up in frustration.

"Sara? There _is_ something else, what? What is it?"

She merely shook her head, all choked up by now, "I'm just sad, because I realize how much more work I have to do on all this."

Sara left Las Vegas weeks ago when something out of her control ripped her away from Gil, and now that same something was still keeping her from him. Physically coming home to him was obviously not going to be enough to reconnect.

He moved the tray and grabbed her up in his arms. His warm body was so safe and reassuring. She gently cried, vowing to get well right there in Vegas. She had to; her life was hanging in the balance. She knew she would never be complete unless she could fully reunite with him.

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Five: Bombshell**

Dr. Reese left explicit instructions for Donna in the event Sara called. All she could do was hope it didn't come on one of her cigarette breaks.

After her failure to open up to Gil that morning, Sara couldn't wait to make the call. "Dr. Carla Reese's office," Donna spoke as she answered the telephone.

"Hello, I'm a new patient and I would like to make an appointment," Sara stated.

"Name, please?"

"Sara Sidle."

Donna's eyes grew bigger, "Um, OK," fumbling with the appointment book, "when do you want to come in? Dr. Reese's book is pretty full, but she wants to get you in as soon as possible."

Sara was somewhat impressed. Dr. Daly obviously contacted these people and really got their attention. "Gee, I'm like totally free. I can come anytime you tell me."

Donna grinned, this would be easy. She had a cancellation to fill, "How about one this afternoon, is that too last minute?"

"Not at all, see you then." Sara hung up the phone, feeling quite satisfied to have taken that step. There was a time when that would have been difficult, but now her insight into what was going on was enough to push her to get the help she so desperately needed.

Gil and Sara spent the balance of the morning just enjoying the simple pleasures of being together. They shared thoughts of mutual interest, but avoided any weighty topics. They both anxiously anticipated Sara's coming appointment; hoping she would have a positive experience with her new doctor.

Gil insisted on driving her to it. She protested, but acquiesced, deep down happy to have his staunch support. The office was rather convenient to where they lived. It was a beautifully renovated old cottage with a homey feel, refreshingly different from any doctor's office either of them had ever visited. It was in a trendy area, located in a strip with quaint specialty shops, coffee bars, and the like. Sara was feeling very comfortable with her move so far.

They entered the reception area which was currently empty. A little sign on the desk said to take a seat. The room matched the feel from the outside; smartly decorated, but comfortable and welcoming. Just then a young woman blew threw the door, Donna was returning from one of her breaks, looking startled to see Gil and Sara. "Sara?" she inquired. Sara nodded and smiled. "Great, you're early. Here is some paperwork for you to fill out," she rambled, as she went through some file drawers, pulling out forms. "A medical history questionnaire, and here's a privacy policy thing, and a release of information form so we can send records back to your other doctor as needed…" She placed all the papers on a clipboard and handed them to Sara to start on. "Dr. Reese will see you in about ten minutes; can I get you a glass of water or anything?"

Sara was a bit taken back by Donna. She was clearly someone in whom organization wasn't a strong suit, but obviously took care of what needed to be done. Sara filled out the paperwork, and found it redundant as all medical office paperwork tended to be. She felt herself getting nervous waiting to meet her new doctor. Gil took her hand sensing just that. He gave it that familiar squeeze, and punctuated it with that loving smile. Just then another door opened, and a man walked out, saying a polite good bye to Donna. "Just a few more minutes now," Donna advised Sara. Dr. Reese always took time in between appointments to make notes of her last patient, and review the chart of her next patient. Knowing Sara was next, she took precious little time to do that, anxious to get to her challenge by way of Dr. Adrienne Daly.

As she did with all first appointments, Carla Reese came out to the reception area to greet her new patient, and lead her back in person. Carla appeared to be a touch older than Sara, and with blond hair, attractive features, fit figure, and smart clothes, she looked a bit like Catherine Willows. Sara shot a quick glance at Gil, who smiled back shaking his head. It was obvious he, too, saw the resemblance. _What are the odds of that!_

"Carla Reese," she said extending her hand.

"Sara Sidle, and this is Gil Grissom," Sara said in reply as they took turns shaking her hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Reese," Gil offered.

"Thank you, but please, call me Carla. We are going to be doing a lot of talking," she said smiling, "I find first names much easier, if that's ok with you."

"Sure," Sara replied, disarmed by her easy going style.

"How about we get started?" She pointed at the door with her hand to direct Sara, "Gil, we'll be done in exactly one hour; you are welcome to wait here, or return at that time, either way."

"I'll see you then," he winked at Sara, "Good luck, Honey."

Carla was very impressed with Gil and Sara's interaction, and given the material she had reviewed on Sara, it was even more impressive. By all rights, Sara should be living in isolation; the fact that she had this relationship was a miracle.

"Make yourself comfortable," Carla said as they entered the office.

"I'm so glad to get to meet Gil. I understand that he is the reason you are sitting here now."

"Yes."

Carla was hoping for more information, but not surprised that it didn't come forth. "Let's start a bit earlier. Tell me something from your childhood."

"Don't you know all about it? I thought Dr. Daly was supposed to fill you in."

"Sara," Carla smiled, "people are supposed to be able to tell a story from their childhood."

Sara winced, "I get it, just like exercise, the more you do it the easier it gets."

"Right, now pick anything, just tell me a story."

Sara took in a deep breath, and hesitated a moment. After a minute she decided on a brighter episode of her early life. It was an afternoon that she didn't have school, and her mother took her on a picnic in the park. It was a rare that they shared any activity together, just her and her mom. "I remember lying back on a blanket, holding my doll, staring up at the clouds. My mother and I taking turns picking out clouds and telling what they resembled. I always saw animals. I remember my mom laughing every time."

Sara shifted in her chair, her smile fading, "Of course when we got back, my mother frantically started in on dinner. My father came home out of sorts, and really got pissed that dinner wasn't on the table. He went off on her; I got sick and threw up in the bathroom listening to it. I hid in there until he called us down, my brother and I, to set the table while he sat in his seat. Then mom served it up. Her face was swollen and starting to bruise. We ate in silence. Then I went to my room." She shrugged, and stood. She needed a break.

Carla was actually quite pleased, Sara did great her first time talking to her about things from her past. It was a good start. Carla was taking a few notes, while Sara ambled over to the window, looking out, but not seeing anything. Her doctor took the opportunity to candidly observe her new patient. Carla had learned over the years that she could pick up useful clues about her patients this way. Maybe it was something about their clothes, their jewelry, their body language; people were always 'talking' to her, whether they knew it or not.

Carla observed Sara's clothes. They were snug to be sure. That was usually a good sign. In her experience, when overweight patients begin to lose weight, or skinny patients begin to gain weight; things were moving in the right direction. She was glad to inherit a patient already moving forward.

That's when it hit her, like a bolt of lightening. She had been observing Sara's body language when it screamed out to her. _Oh, Sweet Jesus! Stay calm._ Carla's mind was reeling. She was just fifteen minutes into her first session, and already they were at a crucial juncture. Carla had to confront Sara on what she picked up, but she had to be careful. Too pointed, Sara may recoil further into her shell; too soft, she may miss the opportunity all together. And, if she was wrong all together, this could doom the start of their doctor patient relationship.

Carla was truly the most squeamish person alive to make it through medical school. Her obstetric rotation was particularly torturous, all that blood and screaming almost made her crazy. While most medical students were fighting tooth and nail to get in on deliveries, she was no where to be found. She had one faculty member who saw her doctor potential in other areas and gladly took her under his wing to help her pass the rotation. He guided her through the easiest delivery that hospital had ever had, explaining that no matter what you ultimately do, you need to be able to deliver a baby if you have an MD after your name. "Carla, one day you're going to get stuck somewhere, somebody will go into labor, and if you can keep from passing out, you'll deliver that little sucker!"

She recalled the experience fondly. She then asked him to teach her something she could really use. Laughing, the wise old doctor taught her a very practical tool. "How do you tell when a woman has gained a bit of weight around the middle versus earning congrats for being pregnant?" Carla was stumped, when he revealed, "Fat woman don't like to remind themselves how big they are, they never touch their tummies; pregnant women can't seem to leave it alone." It was a pearl that had come in handy at cocktail parties, but never before in her medical practice.

Carla silently observed Sara in front of the window, cocking her head back and forth while she massaged the tension from her neck with one hand, her other absently resting on her lower abdomen, with her jeans straining.

Finally, deciding on her tactic, Carla forged ahead, "So, um, Sara," taking a deep breath, "How far along are you?"

Sara snapped out of her trance at the window, "What?" shaking her head, "What do you mean?"

"I saw it when you were standing there. You're starting to show."

Sara's jaw dropped in horror. _That can't be! How can she see that?_Her mouth opened to respond, but as with Gil, no words would come out. Instead, the color left her face and she felt a bit weak. Carla leapt up to guide her back to the chair. She let her sit in silence for a while. Deciding Sara's reaction confirmed her suspicion, she then asked, "How did Gil take the news?"

Sara looked up, fear in her eyes. She hadn't even been able to tell him. She hadn't told anybody, she couldn't face it at all. She started sobbing uncontrollably. Carla was now extremely concerned. Her attachment disorder had clearly made her unable to share herself completely, but she had managed to forge a relationship. It was a profound setback that in the setting of that relationship, she was unable to broach the subject of her pregnancy.

Carla buzzed the reception desk; mercifully Donna was at her post, "Cancel my afternoon, Donna."

"What was that Dr. Reese?" Donna buzzed back.

"You heard me, cancel my afternoon appointments. Explain that an emergency came up." She turned off the intercom. Donna was stunned; she had worked for Dr. Reese for three years, and had never gotten instructions like that.

"What?" Sara managed between sobs, "What are you doing?"

"We have a lot of work to do, if I'm reading this right; you haven't even told him yet, have you?"

Sara shook her head, looking down, "but I can't afford this, that must be a month or two of sessions in one day," she spoke weakly.

"Don't worry about that, and don't be looking for excuses." Sara didn't respond. "You don't get it do you?" She looked at Sara quite seriously before confiding in her. "I was always the kind of doctor to shy away from any life or death situations, too scarey. That's a big reason I became a psychiatrist. But, now, this is something I'm ready and qualified for. We need to get you ready to handle this pregnancy."

Sara looked at her confused and scared, "life or death? I still don't understand."

Calmly Carla began to explain, "What you don't understand is that you have been hardwired to keep everything in. You can't communicate certain things because the wiring in your brain never got laid down, especially communication that happens between a parent and child."

Sara stopped crying now, as she listened intently.

"You had a mother and father who, as your caregivers are the people you're supposed to be attached to. However, they programmed you to keep silent on things that affected you. You weren't allowed to tell them how you felt about things that happened in your family, or your life for that matter. And, you certainly weren't allowed to talk to anyone outside your family. You grew up _never developing the ability_ to confide in a person; that's why you can't do it now."

"But, there was a time when I could. I got where I could talk to Gil about anything, what happened to that?"

Carla smiled, "Obviously, you have powerful feelings for him, so in time you could find a way around it, with him anyway. Didn't you feel that slip away after your kidnapping?"

"Definitely, it seemed to change for me then."

"It's not uncommon for adults with attachment disorder to suddenly worsen in response to a traumatic event in adulthood." She paused, letting Sara catch up. Things were making sense like they never had before.

"Why didn't Dr. Daly explain all this to me?"

Carla laughed, "Dr. Daly thought she had all the time in the world with you. She began at the beginning, and moved along methodically. You and I just jumped on the freeway." She looked seriously now, "If we don't get on the fast track, the problems you have relating to Gil will pale in comparison to your inability to bond with your new baby, and," she paused, "that initial mother child bond is vital to developing a normal, nurturing relationship. Newborns can be overwhelming in their unspoken demands; a mother burdened with attachment issues might find that too much to handle, and remain distant, detached."

Her words jolted Sara into a new reality. She always knew she could avoid repeating the repulsive behavior of her parents, but she never imagined the same disorder that paralyzed her when she tried to confide in Gil would keep her from expressing love to a baby. "OK, doc," she grimaced and nodded, "let's get to work."

TBC...


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Six: Reality Sets In**

They took a short break before settling down to business. Sara nervously asked something she had to know, "So, doctor, you think you can fix me?"

Carla looked up to see the fear in Sara's face. "If you want to get well, then yes, I know we can do it together."

A nervous smile washed over Sara as she took in a deep breath.

"First, let's get some practical stuff on the table." Carla shifted in her seat, carefully proceeding, "Sara, I need to know how far along in this pregnancy you are."

"The best I can tell, I think I'm 6 weeks late."

Carla looked up questioningly. Her look said _"How could you let this happen?"_ Sara continued, "Well, It's all my fault," she was shaking her head, "I quit taking the pill when I left. I figured at my age, why take it if you don't need it. I mean it's not like I was going to sleep with anybody else, and I had left Gil behind as far as I knew. When I came back to visit the first time, I surprised him."

"Let me guess, you weren't able to discuss the possibility of visiting with him so you just showed up?"

"You're good," Sara replied.

"You have a disorder I'm very familiar with, and you are behaving very true to form. None of this is your fault, Sara."

Sara was feeling so at ease having someone understand her so well. "Anyway, so when he came home and found me there, we were thinking about a thousand other things besides birth control, because we weren't used to thinking about it." she shrugged.

"Whew, Carla said scribbling on a calendar," she smiled at Sara, "I haven't had to figure this out in a while." A second later she said, "that would make you about 10 weeks, still in the first trimester, but not by much." She cocked her head, "You _are_ going to keep this baby, right?"

"Oh, God, yes," she shook her head, "I may be a little shaky right now, but I would never let anything happen to this baby. I could never part with it, either. I love Gil too much to give up a product of that."

"OK, sorry, but I had to ask." Sara nodded in understanding. "Next, you need to get an obstetrician. I take it you haven't been to a doctor, yet."

Looking a bit ashamed, "No."

"Don't feel bad, it's consistent with what you're facing, I wouldn't have thought you had." Sara felt a little better, "Do you have a doctor here?"

"Well, I've been to a gynecologist for a yearly exam, but I don't know if she delivers babies."

"I'd like to recommend someone, if that's OK." Sara nodded, she continued, "This doctor has an excellent reputation, and takes into consideration the things going on with patients I'm seeing. It will help me if you're seeing someone I'm used to working with." She pulled out her Rolodex, "How 'bout we go on and get an appointment, I don't think you should wait another day."

"Ok, I guess." Sara was terrified of going to an obstetrician. This was getting so much more real.

Carla went out to Donna, to ask her to make the appointment, but instead, she saw that Gil had returned. He rose upon seeing her. She turned to him, "Gil, things are a little more involved than I first thought."

"Oh, no," he was looking fearful, "in what way?"

"Nothing we can't get through, but I need to spend the entire afternoon with Sara."

His eyebrows shot up, his jaw dropped, trying to find the right question to ask, when Carla spoke up, "Why don't you go see her, she may not be ready to talk about what's going on just yet," she smiled, "but, I promise, she'll be opening up to you very soon."

He turned to go in, his expression relaxing a bit, he looked around to see if Carla was coming. "Go ahead Gil, she'll be happy to see you. We'll have her call when she's finished and you can come back for her." He nodded and went in the office. That's when Carla gave Donna the instructions and the card off of her Rolodex. "She's preggo?!" Donna blurted out.

"Ssshhh! Yes, but keep it down, he doesn't know yet."

Donna whispered, "Holy Shit!" as she chomped on her gum and picked up the phone to dial Dr. Massey's office.

"Couldn't have said it better myself," Carla muttered as she went on back in.

TBC...

A/N: Just another disclaimer here. I have worked in health care all my life, but my experience in mental health is zippo, nada, less than nothing! When I was trying to come up with a story to explain why Sara left I was casually researching the effects of child abuse on adults, "attachment disorder" kept popping up. When I tried to read about it my eyes glazed over. My area is acute care, so psychiatry to me is like watching paint dry. Bottom line is I took the concept of attachment disorder, and a whole lot of poetic licence to try to make an entertaining story. Please, don't take this as an accurate description of the disorder, the expression of it, nor the treatment. But...I do hope you enjoy the story.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

A/N: Thank you all for your supportive reviews!

**Chapter Seven: Sink or Swim**

"Sara, Honey," he took her hand, "Are you doing all right?"

"This lady is eerie how she's able to predict me." She shuddered, "I'm a little shaky, but I can tell I'm in good hands."

"That's all I need to hear, dear." He kissed her hand, "If you're ok, then just call me when you're ready for me to head back." He looked intently at her, "I love you," he whispered, and turned to leave.

He nodded toward Carla on his way out, and she took her seat. Taking a deep breath, she started in. She started with the story Sara told earlier. Sara had to retell the story, but this time describing her emotions at each stage. At first, it was just like in Dr. Daly's sessions; she just flat couldn't do it, but eventually, she started describing how the episode made her feel.

Adrienne Daly had the advantage of having Sara's family during some of her sessions; she could get Sara to work on telling her emotions to them, which was quite powerful. The other advantage was having time to work on it, or so she thought. Carla Reese was under the gun; she had neither of those things. She had to get innovative with role playing and any other tricks to get Sara to learn to share emotions that she held deeply guarded. Her clear cut goal for the day was to have Sara able to tell Gil they were expecting a baby.

She was impressed with Sara's stamina and endurance. Even though she tried to get Sara to take frequent breaks, she would often refuse. Carla finally sent Donna out for a special tea perfect for pregnancy. Sara found it intensely soothing, and thus she forged on.

Carla felt like they had made amazing progress, mainly due to Sara's determination. Sara also felt the progress, but attributed it to a driven and dedicated physician. Together they were a great team.

Finally, Carla sighed, "Well then, why don't you call Gil to come for you?"

"Have we accomplished what you wanted to with this?" Sara asked nervously, hoping for positive reinforcement.

"I think you have made remarkable progress," she replied. _I'll only know for sure when Gil gets here._

They chatted while waiting. Sara had a lot of questions about the different techniques between the two doctors, but most of the answers pointed to the vastly different situation she presented between Frisco and Vegas.

Donna left for the day, so when the door in the reception room opened Carla went out to get Gil. He entered the office cautiously optimistic, waiting for news. "So?" he looked between the women, "How'd it go."

Carla quickly headed for the door, "Sara has something to tell you, I'll leave you two alone."

Outside Carla tried to stay calm, but was finding it very difficult. She had tried to teach someone how to swim in one long lesson, and then threw her into the deep end with no life preserver. It was risky, but if Sara managed, she would have made a huge leap in getting back what she had with Gil, not to mention getting ready for motherhood.

Sara was stunned. She felt ambushed. _Why didn't she warn me she was going to do that?! _Sara paced the room; ending up back at the fateful window. _She must think I can handle it. Yes! That's it! Do it!_

Sara turned to face Gil. His look was a chaotic mix of emotions; he really had no idea what she was going to say. Her heart was racing, her breath quickened, she cocked her head, looked skyward, and opened her mouth to speak, "Gil, I do have something I've been trying to tell you."

"You can tell me anything, Sara," he replied in rapt attention.

She nodded, her eyes began to mist as she looked at him now. She paused for a minute before she was able to speak, "We're going to have a baby." She half laughed, half cried, holding her belly. She was pins and needles waiting for his response, but he was without one. "Gil?"

He was staring at her, not believing what he heard. Then his stare dropped down to her abdomen. He came over to her; his eyes were wet as he placed his hands over hers caressing her tummy. "Really?" he was beginning to cry now, "It's really true?" A child of his own was something he had never imagined for himself, and the feeling was overwhelming.

"Yes," was all she could manage at that point, but she had already done what she needed to. She was able to look him in the eye and share her deepest, most sacred truth. She was healing, and he would be there to see it.

Meanwhile, fifteen minutes had painfully gone by for Dr. Reese in the waiting room. _Surely she was able to do it?_ Just when she began wrestling with the question of whether to enter the room and check on them, the door opened. Gil and Sara emerged hand in hand, eyes red from tears, and displaying elated, hopeful looks on their faces. Carla Reese took in the sight, and couldn't help but sigh; it might have been the most rewarding moment she could ever remember in her career.

Ironically, Sara was first to speak, "Well, it looks like we have a lot to talk about."

Carla laughed out loud, "This is just the beginning," she was beaming, "Sara, call tomorrow to set up an appointment schedule."

"Gladly," she said in reply.

Carla handed Sara a piece of paper with all the information for her OB appointment the next day, "And, don't forget about this."

Sara took the paper, feeling much better about the appointment than before. Gil offered, "I'm not a whole lot better than Sara at expressing myself to people, but I must tell you," shaking his head, "we are grateful to you beyond words."

They said their good byes and Gil took Sara home. "I don't know how I'll ever be able to concentrate on work, but I can't call in tonight, we're short staffed as it is," he said on the ride back.

"I understand that," she reassured him. "We have lots of time to talk now that I'm back; we'll catch up."

He glanced over at her, narrowing his eyes a bit, "Sara?" getting her attention, "Just how long have you known you were pregnant?"

She winced, and shook her head, "Gil, I tried so many times to tell you, but the words would never come."

"But, you told your doctor before you told me?"

"No!" she replied sharply, "No, Gil, I didn't." Calmer, she continued, "She picked up on it somehow. I was floored. When she asked me how you felt about it, and she realized I hadn't been able to tell you, that's when she canceled all her appointments."

"Wow," he softly murmured.

"She said the pregnancy puts me on the fast track." Sara shifted in her seat, looking out the window, "She told me the attachment disorder could interfere with my bonding with the baby." She looked back at him now, "Gil, I promise, I'm putting everything I have into this. I love you, I love this baby, and I'm going to make sure I learn to share myself with you both."

By now, he had pulled into his parking space. He took her hand and stared deep into her eyes, "You know," he paused, "Once upon a time, I asked you to marry me, and…" he swallowed hard, "and, you said 'yes'. Now I know this is not the order we planned to do everything in, but I feel strongly that we should move forward."

Sara nodded, "I'm not sure I'm ready for all this at one time, but I'm ready to _talk_ about it, just not right now, OK?" she said smiling. "I'm all talked out for today." They shared a laugh.

Her smile was a heart warming smile, genuine and real, something that he hadn't seen in so very long. It was all moving along so fast. Even so, Gil just knew they were on the right track. He was excited to buckle up tight for this wild, fast moving roller coaster ride with her.

TBC...


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Eight: A Beating Heart**

Carla Reese was still in her office, dictating notes from the marathon session she had just directed. When that was done, she just took a moment to bask in the success of it, and rightfully so. In one day, she got Sara Sidle to face her pregnancy and make decisions about it, inform the father and involve him, and, most importantly, understand the importance of bonding with her newborn.

She then called Adrienne Daly, "Adrienne, this is Carla."

"Carla, I take it you had a session with Sara Sidle? How'd it go?" she asked expectantly.

"You need to be sitting for this, better yet, if you have an alcoholic beverage anywhere within reach, you may want to slog it down!"

"Carla! Spill it! What happened?"

"Well, you were right about there being more to the moving story. Sara's pregnant."

Stunned, Adrienne marveled, "You got her to tell you that."

"No, she was showing ever so slightly, and I confronted her. I know, risky, but I was right."

"Oh, Carla, this is scary."

"It get's worse, she wasn't even able to tell her boyfriend."

"Oh, my God. That is a really bad sign."

"No kidding, it really got my attention; I canceled out my afternoon, and put the session in high gear. She's so unbelievably motivated we were able to make progress you might expect to take a month or more. She told her boyfriend about the pregnancy when he picked her up, and she's seeing a doctor about it tomorrow."

"Amazing. Carla, I'm thoroughly impressed. Blown away actually. You need to keep me informed on this lady."

"Don't worry, I'll keep you in the loop."

"I don't believe all this," she said, almost speaking to herself, "I had her for over a month."

Carla reassured her, "Well, you loosened the lid for me!"

Carla felt higher than a kite as they ended the conversation. She had clearly out-shined her mentor, and had the satisfaction of saving a life. She went home to savor the day.

Meanwhile, Gil had to drag himself into the lab for the first time in his life. It was all he could do not to be thoroughly preoccupied with the radical changes that had taken hold of his life in the past few days. As luck would have it, the night would be particularly hectic, pushing him into working a double.

Sara's appointment was for ten in the morning, and wild horses would not keep him from taking her to that. He had to figure a way out of the double. Catherine was the logical choice to cover for him, but that meant questions. He was _never _trying to get out of a double, in fact quite the opposite; usually they were trying to get him to leave.

"Catherine, I need a favor. I have a doctor's appointment at ten o'clock, and it was very hard to get, I just can't miss it. Do you think you could cover?" _All true, just not the 'whole' truth._

"I dunno, what kind of doctor?"

"C'mon, Catherine. A _medical_ doctor."

She looked a little frustrated coming up empty, but decided to acquiesce, "All right, on one condition, you confide in me if this is something serious. All kidding aside, Gil."

"Catherine, I promise, when I know everything, I'll be ready to talk about it, right now, please, keep this between us," he said with a smile, "And, don't worry about me, really."

She wasn't too sure what to make of the exchange, but willingly covered for Gil to duck out of the lab. When he arrived at home, Sara was practically sitting by the door, anxious to leave. He was so happy to see her finally accepting, and even embracing her pregnancy.

They found the new doctor's office in stark contrast to Dr. Reese's office. It was in a building connected to the hospital, complete with hustle bustle and hospital smell. The office itself was larger with a waiting room full of people. Sara went to the window to check in and received the obligatory clipboard full of papers. She rolled her eyes and took a seat by Gil while she filled it all out.

Nearly forty five minutes elapsed before her name was called. Gil was dozing in the chair, and she was beside herself with impatience. She flew out of the chair at the sound of her name, grabbed his hand, and they were lead back into the office. Judy introduced herself as Dr. Massey's nurse, her lovely smile and manner made it hard for Sara to stay angry about the wait. "Step up here for me, please," she said to Sara motioning to the scale.

"You can't be serious. I'm not about to get on that."

Gil just laughed, "I'll turn my back."

Judy smiled, "Ms. Sidle, you will get weighed at every visit; it's very important."

She frowned, kicked off her shoes and set down her purse, climbing onto the scale with a grimace. After Judy finished shifting the weights to balance the scale Sara groaned, "I've never weighed this much in my life."

Judy heard that very remark all day long. "Follow me, please."

She took Sara to an exam room, with Gil in tow. She instructed her to strip down, put on the hospital gown, and pee in the cup she was given. The doctor's visit had ceased being something she was excited about.

They waited another twenty minutes or so in the exam room. Gil was back dozing off, and Sara was working herself up. She was not cut out to wait. When Dr. Massey breezed in with Judy, he introduced himself, and promptly began to apologize for the wait, "I hope you can understand, we tried to squeeze you into an already packed morning at the request of Dr. Reese."

Sara realized she really couldn't be upset about waiting, but vowed to bring books along for the next visit, just to be safe.

The doctor went through a laundry list of questions, and gave her a thorough physical. "Everything looks to be on track, now the fun part," he said, pulling out a little black box that looked like a transistor radio with a phone cord and probe attached. He squeezed goop over Sara's lower abdomen and moved the probe around until a slow whooshing sound came over the radio. "Not yet, that's you I'm afraid," he moved the probe around some more and just then a rapid fire whoosh filled the room, "and that's your baby's heartbeat."

Gil flew out of the chair to Sara's side. He grabbed up her hand in his and planted a kiss on her forehead as tears welled up in her eyes. "Can you believe it, Gil?" She started to cry happy tears, "It's real!"

The little life inside of her was an abstract thought until that moment, too distant to really react to, except to fear the idea of it. Suddenly there was a palpable connection, and it moved her profoundly. She now had an image of this separate life taking shape inside of her; its heart beating away. It was the first time she felt connected to her baby, and thus, her journey to becoming a successful mother was now truly underway.

TBC...


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Nine: A Shotgun Wedding**

The next week saw Sara and Gil settling into the new normal that had become their lives. Dr. Reese wanted to see Sara three times a week for now, but gave her plenty to work on in between sessions. A lot of her 'assignments' involved discussions with her brother or her mother. When she finally told them the news about her pregnancy they were thrilled for her, and their support reinforced her attempts to share her life with them.

Dr. Massey gave her a long list of instructions on everything; what to eat, what vitamins to take, what exercise was OK, and what to avoid. She took on her role as patient with exuberance, and did everything she was told by both physicians without questioning. She had complete confidence in both.

She and Gil had gone to the bookstore and picked out an armful of books on pregnancy, attachment disorder, and baby names, for good measure.

Looming in the picture was the question of marriage. Sara finally came around to the idea, and agreed it was time to move forward, but she was hardly ready to shout it out to the world. She was careful to go over the notion with Dr. Reese as well. Carla endorsed the move whole heartily. "Sara, he's been the only real love you've ever had in your life, and you're taking the steps necessary to be able to stay with him in the long run. There's no reason to think marriage would do any thing but reinforce that direction you are already going in."

Gil surprised her by desperately wanting a small but traditional wedding. He wanted to include the team and a few select coworkers. Sara, not so surprisingly, wanted to be married, but didn't care for the wedding extravaganza, she wanted to elope. Sara wanted their marriage to be totally private. She was making huge strides in her therapy, but was no where near ready to share such a personal moment with the team. "Gil, if you want to have that kind of wedding, you have to give me some more time. I can't even talk to them about myself yet, much less include them in this."

Sara had enough insight into her disorder to know what would make her uncomfortable. She discussed her fears with Dr. Reese who, once again, explained that Sara's feelings were not out of line with where she should be at this stage of her recovery. She should not expect to be comfortable sharing such a personal moment with friends without first working on reestablishing those relationships. In a session with Gil, Carla explained that to include the team and other guests, Sara had months more therapy to be able to do that appropriately.

Gil didn't want to wait. He was traditional enough that he wanted a marriage before the distraction of an advanced pregnancy or even a child entered the picture. Besides, he was ready months earlier, before she left, and his desire only intensified in her absence. He was grateful that Sara herself was ready, so they ultimately reached a compromise; they would include family. She was admittedly comfortable sharing this with her brother, his family, and even ready to involve her mother. However, since Gil was an only child, whose parents were deceased, and he wasn't eager to involve distant cousins he rarely saw; he instead wanted his friend and confidante, Jim Brass, there with him. They were in agreement on that much. Sara, now in regular communication with her family involved them in the planning. Her brother, Eric, found a bed and breakfast on the coast south of San Francisco which had a beautiful setting for a wedding, and they could all stay right there. "Sara, you can get married with the sun setting over the Pacific ocean, barefoot if that's what you want, but you'll have us there, too." She agreed to it.

Time was clicking away. Sara had taken a while to get used to the idea, and then a while longer with Gil to decide how to do it. Dr. Massey warned Sara that she was a week or so away from rapidly growing, and therefore unmistakably showing. They decided on the inn on the Pacific, and settled on a date.

Once they had the date, Gil went in search of Brass. Finding him in his office after shift, he entered and closed the door behind him.

"What's going on with you, Gil?" He asked putting some paperwork away in his desk. "You've been scarce around here ever since our little outing a while back."

"I know," he grinned, "Sara's back."

"Damn, I shoulda known!" he exclaimed, shaking his head, "Hey that's great, but is she back, you know," he paused, "for good?"

"Ah, yes, and then some."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Gil passed Jim a slip of paper, "I need you to take off on those days."

"What the heck are you talking about; you want to go on another bar hop?"

"No," he spoke solemnly, "I want you to be my best man."

Jim's eyebrows shot up, "Whoa! You sure you know what you're doing Gil, I mean, I love Sara, you know that, but she really put you through it when she left."

"I know, but things have really changed, she's in therapy, and it's been remarkable. She is able to connect with me like never before, besides," he hesitated, "I might as well tell you, it's going to be obvious soon enough, she's pregnant."

With that, Brass opened up his bottom desk drawer, and pulled out two coffee cups and a bottle of whiskey. Nodding to Grissom, he nodded back, and Brass poured two shots. "Hey, Pa Pa, now I've really gotta ask again, you sure you know what you're doing here?"

"I can't say that this is the way I had it all planned out, but I've never been happier about anything, Jim," he said knocking back a jolt of whiskey with a grimace. "C'mon over for dinner tonight before work, you can see Sara for yourself, and we'll fill you in on things."

"You got it, partner," and they clinked cups together, "See you then."

"In the meantime,…"

"I know, I know, keep it between us." Grissom smiled on his way out the door.

Sara found herself surprisingly at ease around Brass. Maybe it was because she connected to him through Gil, or because he had spent time with them as a couple before anyone else knew about them, or maybe it was the fatherly embrace and understanding look she recieved from him, or his lack of probing questions for her; she wasn't entirely sure, but this was one person who didn't seem to draw out her out of her comfort zone. She was glad he would be there for Gil.

They decided to marry on a Thursday when the inn was available. Sara's mother and sister-in-law were thrilled to make the arrangements; which was easy since the inn had a lot of wedding experience. Eric flew to Vegas to drive Sara over a few days ahead to make the last selections on a few of the details. Her mother took her to shop for a dress. Sara hated to shop, but this was an activity that she had sorely missed in her life, shopping with her mother. They tried to make if fun and meaningful, but made sure Sara had a dress she could feel good about.

The day before the wedding, Brass and Grissom flew into San Francisco. Eric had insisted on a bachelor thing for Grissom. Sara stayed with her mom, while the boys went over to a friend of Eric's for the big party. It was relatively tame; primarily a poker party with plenty of cigars, whiskey, and beer. The next morning they all drove down to the Inn. Things had been arranged in advance, so after checking in they could relax and enjoy the amazing beauty of the place. Grissom was a little nervous meeting Sara's family for the first time, but it didn't take long at all for them to feel at ease around each other. He took Sara's niece and nephew out in the woods in search of bugs which they thought was the most amazing adventure ever. His status as cool uncle was on solid ground.

When the time came, Grissom and Brass gathered with Sara's mother and Eric's family on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The staff at the inn had everything perfectly arranged and attended to. There was an old arched trellis of bougainvillea framing the area where the ceremony would take place. The sun was creeping down right on schedule to add to the magnificence of the scene. Gil was dressed in a brilliant blue silk shirt and grey slacks. "Are you nervous?" Brass whispered.

"I expected to be, but I'm not at all," he shrugged. However, his breath quickened when Tracy started the music that Eric had prepared. Any moment Sara would emerge from the Inn.

Inside the door, Eric turned to his sister, "You ready?"

She smiled her widest grin, "Let's do it."

They emerged out of the door, down the stairs, and out onto the bluff. Sara wore her hair up, with soft curls framing her face. Her dress was the palest lavender, with spaghetti straps and a fitted bodice, but below spilled effortlessly over her lithe frame, waving seductively in the ocean breeze. Her mother intsisted on loaning her a strand of pearls which perfectly complimented her neckline. She considered the barefoot thing, but opted instead for some tasteful, matching sandals. She carried an elegantly simple spray of purple orchids.

Gil's mouth was gaping at the sight of her. Brass elbowed him, silently calling attention to his expression, prompting him close his mouth. When she met him at the altar, he was a complete bundle of nerves. What was he doing in this gorgeous setting, marrying this gorgeous woman? _I'm in over my head!_

Eric stood by Sara for the ceremony. Not one for tradition, she didn't feel the need to have a woman there, when he was who she wanted. Her older brother all but turned his back on her growing up due to his own attachment issues. Later, separated in foster care, with his burgeoning drug problems, he kept distant from her. Once she reached adulthood, her brother was dead to her. After finding him all these years later; he threw her a lifeline, and wouldn't let go until she was rescued like he had been. He was now her guardian angel out of the sky, and no one was more proud of his sister than he was at that moment. He knew what she was overcoming to get there.

The ceremony was beautifully simple. Gil managed to get through it despite his sudden case of nerves, and recovered nicely to deliver the kiss sealing the deal. He surprised Sara with his mother's wedding ring that he had sized to fit her. The sunset cooperated as well making for a spectacular back drop. Once it was official the group began the celebration. Impromptu drinking and dancing began, followed by an elegant, leisurely al fresco dinner as the moon and stars took over from the sunset. Toasts and roasts flowed, as Gil and Sara took turns being the subject of some embarrassing stories or equally embarrassing tributes.

Brass tried to refill Grissom's glass of champagne one more time, but he put his hand up to stop him, "I've got to keep my wits about me; wedding night and all that."

Getting a back slap from Brass, "Aw, c'mon, it's not like it's a new thing for you two."

"No, but it has new meaning," he said with a knowing look. Brass never stopped being amazed by Grissom's depth.

With that, he decided the time was right for their exit. Sara cooperated with a few wedding traditions, and tossed her bouquet to her niece for good measure. She and Gil then hastily said their good nights and retreated to their honeymoon suite.

"Well, Mrs. Grissom," Gil said marveling his new wife, "You make a ravishing bride." Before she could respond, he grabbed her up in a loving embrace, and kissed her passionately. They tenderly undressed each other as if it was their first time together, and spent the night in wedded bliss.

TBC...

A/N: I debated about how, and when, to marry them, but this seemed like the best place in the story for it to happen, even if the team wasn't all there with them. I hope this turn doesn't disappoint.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Ten: Start Spreadin' the News**

The next morning, the wedding party was gathering for breakfast when the newlyweds appeared. Obligatory jokes and teasing were thrown their way, and Gil and Sara took it all in stride.

After a sumptuous breakfast, they headed out to the Sidle SUV to return to San Francisco. Brass would fly to Vegas from there, and Sara and Gil stayed behind for a formal honeymoon. Again, hugs and handshakes were passed around, as the good byes were hard to deliver. Brass pulled Grissom aside, "Hey, you know, while you're hiding away in paradise, I'm going back to the Spanish inquisition."

"Huh," was Grissom's response.

"You think I'm the only one who's noticed how little you've been around." He looked around to make sure Sara wasn't in earshot, "Who do you think they're going to grill over what's happening with you while you're hanging out here with your gorgeous new bride?"

Grissom grimaced, and Brass went on, "You know Sara's got that post stress trauma attached thing…,"

Grissom interrupted, "Adult attachment disorder exacerbated by post traumatic stress syndrome."

"Isn't that what I said?" Brass shook his head, "Anyway, what's your excuse for keeping this all secret from your coworkers?" He paused while that sunk in a bit, "You know, people there care an awful lot about you two, four people in particular really deserve to know what's going on."

Grissom understood exactly what Brass was saying. Sara had been unable to confide in the team in the past; he merely chose not to. Also, they had fallout from the job over their relationship as a very valid excuse, but now, there was none.

"Touché'," Grissom shrugged, "I'm very private, what can I say. Besides, I wanted to get married in Vegas and invite them all, remember?" After a pause, "I'm so glad nobody listened to me on that one." His voice drifting off, "I could never have dreamed up anything more beautiful than this."

Brass rolled his eyes, "Talk to her, _you_ need to tell them, I can't keep covering this up."

"I know," he nodded in understanding, "I'll talk to her, and we'll figure out the best way to do it." Brass turned to climb in the Suburban next to Laura, "And, Brass, Thanks for being there for me." Brass nodded and grinned his trademark smirk.

Gil and Sara made the most of their days on the coast. Sara had been enjoying the new connections to Gil she was able to make with her therapy, but had not envisioned the connected feeling marriage would bring. Despite completely sharing a life for two years, being together as a married couple was inexplicably more comforting. She was more relaxed being away with him that weekend than she had ever felt in her whole entire life.

They walked trails up the bluffs, picnicked by the ocean, explored art galleries, and savored being beholden to each other. Even at the end of their stay, they were contented to return home knowing they were pledged to be together for the rest of their lives.

The time they spent there was relaxing and blissful. During the long, uninterrupted conversations they were able to make plans and decisions. Their lives had always been so simple in so many ways, but now had become exponentially more complex. Sara confided that while she missed the challenges work had provided, she didn't miss the misery she witnessed. She wanted to stay home with their infant for a while, continuing her recovery. Gil was more than happy to support her in doing that. They had to rethink finances. Neither had ever spent a lot of money, and with two incomes it was never an issue. But, now with a baby, an eventual need for a bigger home, and one income, things needed to be planned out. By the time they were ready to return home, they had made a plan for all of it. Communication between them had never been better. Even Gil was benefiting indirectly from Sara's therapy.

Driving back to Vegas, Gil broached the subject of telling the team. While he was content to live in thier secret world; he knew that was no longer realistic. In addition to that reality, there was a small part of Grissom, previously never heard from; that was so proud and happy to be Sara's husband, and a father to be, he found he actually wanted to share that. As he had been basking in Sara's openess the past few weeks, it was hard to imagine she wasn't more ready to interact with the team than she had indicated, despite Carla's warnings to the contrary.

"I have thought a lot about that," Sara confessed, "but, honestly, even with all the progress I've made, I'm not sure I'm up to facing them." When she saw the sadness on Gil's face, she clarified her sentiments, "I mean I could face them, but I don't think I could confide in them."

"How about, I announce our elopement, when you're ready of course, and let just our team come over after shift for breakfast. We don't have to mention the pregnancy just yet, you're not showing unless you wear the wrong outfit," he laughed, "and that way, you could visit, but don't really need to _share_."

She thought a minute before agreeing, "Ok, but, just the team, and nothing about my therapy or my family or the pregnancy just yet."

"No problem. That'd be great, thanks, honey."

When they were home, Gil went back to work almost immediately, and as Brass had foretold, it was the Spanish inquisition all right. Gil evaded questions until Sara was settled into her routine. She was diligent with her therapy, and even when not in Dr. Reese's office, she was working on an assignment the doctor had given her. It usually involved Gil or her family, and always involved communicating something meaningful. She also tracked her pregnancy, read, and exercised. After a week at home, she agreed it was time to tell the team.

Grissom went into work that night a little nervous over the whole thing, even though he knew the time had come. They were so content in their own little world, and although there weren't ramifications from violating lab policies, he had an ominous feeling about opening their relationship up to the lab. When he went into the break room with the assignments that night, he let them know that first he had an announcement to make. Everyone held their breath. "I know you all have noticed me leaving after shift a little sooner, and taking some time off." His eyes wandered about the floor, he folded, and refolded the assignment slips. "I'm happy to say that it is because Sara is back."

Everyone's face lit up as they rushed over to hug him. He wasn't prepared for such a reaction. Once the excitement died down a bit, he reached into his pocket for his wedding ring and placed it on his finger to the utter shock of the team.

"That's right," he grinned, "and, we're married."

Instead of quieting the questions, even more flew at him. "Hey, hey, now," he said raising his hands in protest, "We have work to do tonight, but Sara and I would like you all to come by for breakfast in the morning."

The team was totally shocked by the announcement. Nobody could quite comprehend it all just yet. They went about their assignments, but nobody was about to work a double and be late for the breakfast invite.

Sara got everything ready for the gathering, and she was feeling surprisingly confident over it. _I've made huge strides, surely I can handle this. _The first one there was Greg. When the door opened and he took in the sight of her, he could scarcely believe his eyes, "My God, Sara, you look fantastic." He grabbed her up in a hug so tight she could barely breathe, "And, I'm just so happy for you and Grissom."

Before he could make it into the townhouse, he was tossed aside by Nick and Warrick who were wrestling into position to get the first hug. Warrick won out, and only let go once Nick's threats escalated to bodily harm. Nick grabbed her up, and began to get choked up. He released her and went inside to keep Greg and Warrick from seeing his emotional reaction.

"The goodies are in here, guys." Sara called to them, as she made her way into the open kitchen of the townhouse. "Who wants coffee, orange juice?"

"What? No Mimosas? I thought we were celebrating at this breakfast," Greg playfully asked.

Just then Catherine arrived, "Sara!" she exclaimed, with her mouth gaping, "You look positively radiant," she marveled, as she pulled her into a tight hug. "I mean, really, what ever you're doing is definitely agreeing with you."

"By the way," Nick wondered, "What are you doing?"

"Not a lot, really," she answered evasively.

"No really, Sara," Greg now started in, "How are you passing the time?"

"Yeah," Warrick even joined in, "I can't picture you as a housewife, married or not." They all laughed.

Sara now shifted uncomfortably. She wasn't ready to talk about her mental illness, her therapy, her pregnancy, her ex-con murderess mother who she had reconnected with, or her reformed drug addict brother. "I'm just catching my breath for now, and reconnecting with Gil." She shrugged, "I haven't really figured out what I'm going to do just yet."

Catherine had been on the sidelines, but now was getting in the game, "C'mon Sara, you expect us to believe a workaholic like you is just 'catching your breath.'"

Sara stared down at the spread she had put out. Muffins, bagels, whipped butter, jelly, fresh fruit, and special assorted pastries. She had no answer. "Do any of you know where Gil is?" she asked flatly.

"We were all walking out together when Ecklie nabbed him," Greg managed despite a mouthful of food.

Nick was laughing, "Oh, yeah, he so tried to dodge it, but Ecklie had him dead to rights over some administrative BS."

"So, back to you," Warrick started up, "what are you doing these days?"

Sara was frozen. Inside she was a mess. _I love these people, why am I like this?! _"You already have the highlight, otherwise, it's boring with me," she lied, "I need some dirt from the lab. Grissom is a very unreliable gossip."

They all laughed knowingly, but she wasn't off the hook. "Sara, you're always reading something interesting," Catherine continued to prod.

"Nope," Sara shook her head, "No page turners anyway."

Mercifully, the front door flew open, and Gil came in, grinning from ear to ear. He was expecting unbridled happiness at the breakfast reunion. Instead, one look at Sara and he saw the tormented woman who had once withdrawn from him.

"Hey, boss!"

"We're tryin' go get your wife here to fill us in on what's she's been up to."

Grissom knew instantly that Sara had recoiled from those questions, and he could see she was quite uncomfortable. "Hey, she's trying out a sabbatical," he shrugged, "I've been known to do that from time to time."

"What kind of sabbatical, Sara?" Catherine piped in.

All eyes were on Sara, and all she could do was shrug and shake her head. Grissom tried to save the situation, "I think self-discovery would sum it up." Sara glared at him while the others looked confused.

"Humph," Catherine grunted, "Self-discovery doesn't pay a lot of bills!"

By now everyone had observed that the glow Sara had when they arrived was replaced by an uneasy tension. "I'm, ah,…" she started, "Um, I don't feel up to talking about it."

The room went silent. Truth is, that in itself was a monumental step for Sara, but she was clearly reeling. The mood quickly calmed down. Grissom's stomach was knotted up seeing the wall Sara had put up.

The remaining conversation was rather superficial while they devoured nearly everything Sara had prepared. Good byes were said, and the team all left together. Once outside Nick commented, "Has Sara put on a few pounds?"

Catherine jumped in, "I thought so, definitely, and I'm not sure that glow was all wedded bliss."

Warrick chimed in incredulously, "You guys are not saying you think she's pregnant, are you?"

Greg just blew out, "Oh, boy."

"Well, you know there's always more to the story where those two are concerned," Catherine added, "and Sara was clearly evasive about something."

"All I know is, if ya'll are right, that is one secret they won't be able to keep for long," Nick drawled.

Meanwhile, back inside, Sara excused herself and went to lie down. Gil was frozen in fear of what he had seen. He finally followed her into the bedroom to try and comfort her, "Honey, they miss you so, and they're naturally concerned and curious about you."

"Gil, you're not helping right now."

Those words were like a punch in the stomach. _That's how she pushed me away just before she left!_

He left her alone as she requested. She just lay on the bed, trying to make sense out of what just happened. The anxiety, the isolation, it was back like before, and it scared her.

Gil went outside and called Dr. Reese, "Donna, I really need to speak with her soon, it's an emergency, really."

Dr. Reese called back at precisely the top of the hour as Donna said she would. Gil went on a rambling recital of the mornings events. Carla finally had to just cut him off, "Gil, hold on, relax," she reassured him, "It's not at all surprising to have a set back like this. What's surprising is that Sara's gone so long and made so much progress without one!"

Gil was starting to breathe easier. "It won't last too long, we'll go back to square one, but she'll get back to her former plateau before you know it. It will come back to her much quicker than it took the first time. And when it does, we have a perfect direction for her to embark in when she's ready to progress again."

"You're going to have her talk to the team?"

"Yes, but one at a time, and only when she's caught up again."

"Carla?" Gil asked, "What do I do in the meantime? She doesn't seem to want to be around me right now."

"Oh, yes she does," Carla softly laughed, "She just can't _tell_ you she does. Go home and be there when she's ready to approach you. It will happen sooner than you think."


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Eleven: Back on Track**

By the time Gil returned home, Sara was up looking for him. She was able to confide her feelings about the breakfast by then, and it was only a matter of days before she was communicating with Gil just as openly as before.

As with everything else concerning Sara, Dr. Carla Reese perfectly predicted what would happen. Sara and Gil repeatedly tried to praise her, but she always redirected it back to Sara, "She's easy to predict, she's doing everything she's supposed to do."

Dr. Massey's predictions were just as accurate. As Sara moved into her second trimester, she began to grow noticeably almost day to day. She had an ultrasound which showed everything to be perfectly normal, but she deferred learning the baby's sex, much to Gil's dismay. "There are only so many incredibly wonderful surprises in life, and finding out whether it's a boy or a girl upon first seeing it has got to be one of greatest," she reasoned.

Gil was fascinated watching the physical changes taking place in Sara. She was feeling the baby moving now, and her face would light up with each little tickle. That was clearly Sara's favorite part of being pregnant. She also liked how her hair was tamer, and she was never cold. Gil was. She was putting the thermostat on blizzard every time he turned around. He finally quit the thermostat wars; he just wore a fleece around the house and slept with an extra blanket. Gil liked the way she seemed to be able to sleep. He had never seen her sleep so deeply, but he wasn't sure if it was the hormonal effects or her therapy putting her at ease.

Eventually, Carla declared Sara ready to move forward, and recommended she pick a member of the team to start with. "Are you sure I'm ready for that?" Sara hesitantly asked.

"I am quite sure. You are going to start the same type of communication with a friend you worked with that you've been tackling with Gil and your family. You are definitely ready."

Sara took a deep breath, "It didn't go so well last time."

"That was different; it would be easy to become overwhelmed in that setting. But, it's important that you pick the person you feel most comfortable around."

Sara thought on that. Catherine being the lone female would be a logical choice to share all that the pregnancy involves, but she wasn't the one who Sara considered the most comforting. Nick and she shared a certain bond, but he could be unintentionally judgmental, and that was the last thing she needed. Warrick was probably the most tolerant of the bunch, but was the one she had spent the least time with outside the lab. That left Greg. She certainly had a strong friendship with him, and had even flirted with a romantic relationship at one time. He seemed to understand her better than anyone besides Gil. Greg was the one. Besides, he was good at keeping her secrets.

Sara had to start by telling Greg she was in therapy, and if that happened face to face, well then, she would also be telling him she was pregnant because she was obviously showing now. She decided to meet him for breakfast after his shift, "But, can you keep it just between us?"

"Of, course," he was thrilled, "Just tell me when and where." And so, it was arranged.

She picked a diner that the team didn't frequent to avoid running into others. She also made sure she got their first and got seated so her belly would be hidden, at least initially. Gil made sure Greg got off on time, and he didn't waste any time getting there.

They said their greetings and ordered first. "Greg, there is actually a lot going on with me, but I wasn't up to talking about it to the team."

"We figured as much," he smiled.

She looked sideways at him, and continued, "I've been in rather intense therapy pretty much since I left."

"Therapy?" he looked surprised, this wasn't what he had expected.

She smiled now, "Yep, sometimes it feels like a full time job, but it's saving me."

"Wow, I never would have expected that." He took a sip off his coffee, and grimaced, not up to his standards. "So, what's the therapy all about? The miniature killer thing?"

"Well," she paused, "It's kinda complicated. Let's just say, I need to work on my communication skills."

He laughed, "Don't we all?"

"No," she was serious, "My problem is a little more deeply rooted. There's a lot about me that you don't know."

"Sara, you're scaring me a little."

Now it was her turn to laugh. "What's scary is that I've lived this way for so long before getting help." She reached over and put a hand on his, "Trust me; I'm in the best place I've ever been in my entire life."

"Whew," Greg shook his head, "You really got me with all this, and to think, I came here expecting to hear you're pregnant."

With that, Sara started laughing. Slowly at first, but then bursting into some knee slapping stuff. It was infectious; Greg was shaking with laughter now. "I can't believe you!" she shrieked, trying to get composed, "Where did you get that?"

He shrugged, "Catherine mentioned she thought it might be possible when we saw you the other day. I shoulda known that was crazy."

She nodded and stood up; her pregnant belly was still small, but unmistakable. Greg's jaw dropped. "Oh, my God!" He was flat out too shocked to think of something more clever and 'Greg-like.'

Once he got over the shock of it all, Sara went on to explain that she needed Greg to attend some therapy sessions with her. She was really unable to get more detailed, but she assured him it would clear up quickly. He was confused, but more than willing to help out. He swore to secrecy, and she promised that it was only temporary. The same would happen between her and each member of the team, but only one at a time. "You've always been able to understand me, Greg, but soon I'll make a whole lot more sense to you."

"What ever you say," he said, smiling.

"Can you come tomorrow, two in the afternoon? Here's the address," she passed him a card.

"I'll be there with bells on."

When he arrived at the doctor's office, he found Sara in the waiting area and took a seat next to her. "Thank you for doing this, Greg." He just smiled back in a way that she knew he was thrilled to be able to help her.

The session started in a familiar fashion. Sara had to choose a story from her childhood to tell to Greg. She couldn't handle a sad one, so she copped out, and told a story about her brother.

"I didn't even know you had a brother."

"He was dead to me until recently."

"What? Why?"

"Long story," she looked down, "I'll get to it eventually."

Carla took over and suggested Sara go to another story, which she did. She filled up the time with milder stories from her past. It was enough to let Greg figure out the Sidle household was a far cry from a Norman Rockwell painting, but no where near telling the whole story.

Ten minutes before the session was to end, Carla abruptly requested to speak to Greg alone. "Only with your permission, Sara. I want to fill him in on your diagnosis; speaking only in generalities of course. I think he will be better able to help you that way."

"Oh, you have my permission to speak in specifics, too," Sara offered.

Carla shook her head, "Nice try, but the specifics are your job."

"Shucks," Sara smiled and feigned disappointment as she left for the waiting area.

"Greg," Carla began, "Sara has something called adult attachment disorder. It occurs when repeated traumas of childhood interfere with the bond between parent and child. It prevents the child from learning how to relate to others, and as adults they struggle with relationships, often living in isolation."

"Whoa, she is secretive about her past, that's for sure."

"I'm sure you've heard of the Romanian orphanage children who received no loving stimulation and grew up completely unable to interact with people."

"Oh, sure."

"Well, that's the extreme of attachment disorder. More commonly we see verbal or physical abuse, or even neglect that causes the child to grow up hard wired to keep everything in."

"So, I take it, Sara had a painful childhood?"

"Yes, she did." Greg was clearly saddened by this revelation; he wiped a silent tear away. "That's not all," Carla spoke.

Greg rolled his head around, "You've got to be kidding me, there's more?"

"Yes, but this you know about." Carla inhaled deeply, "Sara also suffers from post traumatic stress disorder following her brush with that serial killer. That was the trigger that put her attachment disorder out of control. Ultimately, she had to walk away from the few relationships she was able to build; she was no longer capable of functioning in them."

"Well, that explains a whole heck of a lot."

"I thought it might," she paused, "Do you have any other questions?"

"Yes," he sat forward in his chair, "Why me, why am I here?"

"You are here because she chose you. It was time for her to start communicating with someone other than Gil and her family. She's obviously most comfortable with the idea of sharing her secrets with you."

He nodded, "And, how am I supposed to react?"

Carla smiled. She was touched by Greg's friendly affection toward Sara. "You need her to see Greg Sanders' honest reaction, period. You don't need to shoulder the load; she can handle that end. She's just learning to let others into her life a bit more; seeing and _handling_ your reaction is all part of that."

When they rejoined Sara in the waiting room, "Sara, you have an assignment before our next session with Greg."

"OK, shoot," she was ready.

"You need to contact him three times and share something in the present with him, something that moved you in some way."

"I think I'm likin' this therapy stuff," Greg grinned.

TBC….

A/N: This story has been a lot of fun to put together, but I'm trying to do a lot with it, juggling Sara's pregnancy and therapy, that is. I'm so grateful for the reviews; they have been so positive and encouraging. Thank you!


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Twelve: Growing**

Living with Sara these days was amazing Gil Grissom. She was nearly through her second trimester, the physical changes in her were becoming glaring, and the fatigue and queasiness of the early stages were long gone. He loved to come up behind her, caress her tummy and feel a little action in there.

While Sara always maintained her physical desire for intimacy with him, even during those times in the recent past when she was unavailable emotionally, she could always connect that way. However, something happened in this trimester that had Gil wondering if he could keep up with her. The pregnancy books mentioned that some women get remarkably frisky during their pregnancy, for reasons that no one completely understood. Sara was definitely in that category. He was completely in awe of her pregnant body, and he had plenty of opportunity to savor it, almost more than he could handle.

She was also becoming more adept at sharing herself emotionally with him. He was learning more about her than he ever imagined. The more he saw, the more deeply in love he fell. She shared her feelings about news stories she ran across that stirred her emotions, or how much she hated having to go shopping for bras, _again, _because her breasts were trying to keep pace with her tummy. She shared how being pregnant changed the way she viewed the world. How she felt after her therapy sessions, good or bad, and how much she was head over heels in love with him.

Sara was maintaining her communication with her family and Gil, but had hit a road block with Greg. Carla could see why. Sara had been sharing with people who knew the truth behind her childhood. She was providing stories, but they already knew the plot. She was providing glimpses of her emotions, but they were predictable. Greg was someone who had no clue about any of it, and was clearly a man who wore his emotions on his sleeve. Sara couldn't bear to let him feel the pain of her past, and worse to see her pain reflected in his eyes.

Carla knew she would have to nudge this along. In the next session Greg attended, she started off, "Greg, how do you think Sara is doing sharing with you?"

His face lit up, "It's just awesome. I've been blown away with how much she has shared with me about what's going on with her."

Smiling, she turned to Sara, "Sara, honestly, now," she cocked her head, "How do you feel you are doing sharing with Greg?"

Sara shifted in her chair, looked at the floor, and shrugged. She knew where Carla was going with this. She had shared her current life freely with Greg, but had been unable to shed light on her past. Greg just looked on confused.

"Sara, I'm taking over a little bit. Instead of choosing a story from your childhood yourself, I want you to tell Greg all about your brother." Sara looked up startled. "Start when you two were children, as far back as you remember, and take it all the way until today."

Sara looked up in understanding. _I know why she's doing this._Sara would have to tell the horrors of her childhood to talk about her brother, but the story would end in redemption. It would have a happy ending. That made it OK to tell.

Sara began by describing her big brother as someone whom she adored. He was playful, but protective of her at the same time. This was also at a time when their parents were becoming more and more angry. He was the one she turned to. He was her port in the storm. However, as his teenage angst began to surface everything started to change. He was frequently a target of his parents rage, and went into survival mode. He had no interest, or desire in looking out for her. In retrospect, his attachment disorder was starting to manifest itself. He sought out drugs for escape, and was always in trouble of some sort.

Sara described feeling totally abandoned, and to add to her misery, her parents' rage was coming her direction now as well. They were all taken to the hospital for various injuries at her father's hand. The violence was escalating to be sure. She desperately missed her brother's affection, but it was no where to be found. Sara went on to describe the night her mother stabbed her father to death. Her brother had run away. She was alone.

Greg was sitting in horror. His stomach was threatening to revolt, but sheer will kept his lunch down.

Sara described being taken into foster care. Her brother was found and initially placed at the same home, but he was always in so much trouble, he was unable to stay at the same home as she. They became separated, and she never heard from him again, until this year.

"It took a few weeks, but eventually my life completely unraveled after being kidnapped. I had to leave, but I didn't really understand what I was leaving for. Deep down, I knew my past was the problem with my present, so I looked up my mother. She was out of jail and living in San Francisco. I hadn't seen her since a court mandated visit when I was 17 years old. It was an icy reunion, believe me. But, she didn't waste any time. Against my protests, she called Eric to come over. To my shock, he was there in a flash, and one look at him, I just knew, he was back to being my brother."

Her face was lit up now, as she continued. "My brother knew exactly what I was suffering with. He had it worse than I had, and he took me the very next day to his therapist. It was so reassuring to get a name for my pain, but even more reassuring to see the man this troubled boy had become. He's happily married, with two amazing children." Shaking her head, "And, he saved me, like I always wanted him to."

She took a deep breath, finally getting the courage to look up at Greg. He was frozen in his seat, his eyes had spilled a few involuntary tears. "I don't know what to say, Sara." He looked at Carla, "I mean I know what you explained, and everything, but…" shaking his head, turning back to Sara, "I've know you for so long, to not know this. I feel like I've let you down somehow."

"You've never let me down, ever." Sara stated emphatically.

He nodded, trying to stay composed, finally, "When do I get to meet him?"

Sara flashed her smile at him, "Next time he visits, I promise, I'll make sure you meet him."

Carla sat back, arms folded, smug grin. Sara had responded beautifully to the challenge. This was a true breakthrough; a _major_ breakthrough.

Poor Greg was suffering, however. He was blown away by the truth of Sara's childhood. He even began to have nightmares over it. One evening he just showed up at their house; he had to see Sara. He claimed he had to see her to make sure she was OK, but truth be told, he just had to talk to somebody. Unlike Sara and Gil, he was one who _needed_ to share his feelings about things, but there was nobody else he was allowed to talk to about it.

"I'm really OK, Greg," she said in the most reassuring tone she could muster, "It was a long time ago, and I'm just now accepting it and moving on."

He looked up at her; his face awash with sadness. "I have these visions of what you went through, and I…" his gaze drifted and his voice trailed off.

Just then Grissom slapped an arm around his shoulders and announced, "Me and Greg are going out!"

Sara looked up with a smirk, pleased at this unexpected turn of events.

Greg looked confused. Gil smiled down at him, "I'm going to teach you the facts of life, my boy." Greg's eyebrows went up. "The facts of life with Sara," he said grinning broadly.

Grissom drug Greg out to the nearest watering hole and ordered up a couple of beers. "Greg, I knew Sara very well, for the better part of a decade, before she told me about this childhood. And, from what I'm learning in therapy, her telling me was about as easy as trying to get the world to spin the other way."

Greg smiled, he was getting the picture.

"We can't get caught up in the pain of her past. We need to help her live now."

Greg nodded, "But, I don't understand how none of us knew?"

Gil just laughed, "That's the essence of it all. She wasn't allowed to share as a child, so she couldn't share as an adult. Didn't Dr. Reese explain that?"

"Oh, sure," he nodded, "but as someone who can't stop blabbering, not being able to share something is a profoundly foreign concept for me."

Grissom had to smile. Greg had gotten on his nerves on more than one occasion. It wasn't just his wild music, or his antics around the lab; it was more for his youthful exuberance and his ease around Sara. Now, he saw Greg as an ally; someone who was helping Sara to heal. "You know, Greg," he said thoughtfully, "Since you need to talk to stay sane, but Sara has got you keeping silent, you can always talk to me."

He looked up dubiously, "But, Grissom, you've never been all that receptive to that sort of thing."

"True," he admitted, "and I apologize for that, I'm sorry, but I promise to be there for you when it concerns Sara." He shifted uncomfortably, "and, anything else that's important to you that you need my help with."

Greg was blown away by Grissom's gesture._ Wow, this therapy stuff is rubbing off on everybody_.

_TBC…._


	13. Chapter 13

disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Thirteen: Growing and Growing!**

Sara was rounding into her last trimester, literally. She was getting big, period. As someone who was thin all her life, the size was starting to really get to her. She started feeling tired easier, and sometimes having to work to catch her breath. "I can't even fit in my shoes any more!" she railed.

The good side to all that was the baby's growth and development was right on track. Gil went to every appointment with her, and was thrilled when another ultrasound was planned to check things now that Sara had a viable baby at this point. He was never so mesmerized by a snowy image. The face, heart, spine, legs and arms were so easy to see as the baby put on a little show for the ultrasound probe, moving about so much, the doctor could scarcely keep it in focus. Grissom was craning to try to get a peak at the plumbing, but couldn't make it out. _Sara is going to make me wait until the bitter end to see the sex of this baby!_

At the same appointment Dr. Massey brought up the subject of childbirth classes. Sara thought it was a lame notion to go to class for something women have been doing without assistance since the dawn of time, but she was a star patient, so she at least heard him out. "Sara, this is something I strongly recommend for you at this stage of your pregnancy." He said handing her a flier. "This class is quite well taught and will cover all your options for childbirth. You can decide what you think is best, but I have to warn you, don't get locked in on one option, very often people find they have to go to something else after it gets going."

"Well," Sara grunted, "I can rule out the epidural right now."

"I don't think I'd do that just now. Keep an open mind."

"Oh, Dr. Massey, you have no idea how stubborn I can be."

Grissom just sat back and nodded in agreement.

"Go to the class. First deliveries are notoriously difficult. You will do better if you are prepared."

She reluctantly agreed, _I'll go to the class, but no way will I ever get an epidural!_

Meanwhile, on the therapy front, Sara was progressing beautifully. She had completed her work with Greg, and he was now at ease with it. In fact, he was so elated with his new found friendship with her, Nick and Warrick were suspicious.

"Why does he look like the cat that swallowed the canary these days?" Nick drawled.

"It's got to be a girl," Warrick flatly replied. Just then Greg bounded into the break room, whistling a tune no less. "What's up with you, man," Warrick inquired, irritation in his voice.

"I'm high on life, gentleman," Greg said beaming.

"Bull Sh…" Nick was interrupted by Catherine mid cuss.

"Hey, Nicky," she scolded, "let him have his secret. It's getting to be the norm around here," she said with a sigh.

Truth is, Greg was happy not only with his relationship with Sara, but with Grissom as well. All was good in his world, and he couldn't wait to share it with everyone. Sara promised that was coming soon.

Carla's next assignment was a graduation of sorts. She had to pick another member of the team to confide in, but this time, she would do so on her own, outside of the office. "You don't need to divulge your life story, but just pick a private aspect of your life that is relevant to your friendship with that person."

"Are you sure I'm ready to venture out on my own?"

"Most definitely!" She shook her head, "Sara, you are progressing at warp speed. You are amazing even me, and I've seen just about everything," she said laughing.

"Ok," she stared off in thought, "It needs to be Catherine next." She reached down over her very pregnant belly, "I need a girlfriend who understands all this."

"True, every pregnant woman needs that. Do you have something else she deserves to know?"

Sara thought on it. Catherine had become so frustrated with Sara's over the top passion on domestic abuse cases. "I need to tell her about my parents, but that's going to be rough."

"Why do you think that's relevant to her?"

"She thinks I'm crazy when we work a domestic abuse case."

"Oh!" Carla was taken back by Sara's blunt honesty, "Then, yes, you need to clear that up; you are _not_ crazy." They both laughed.

Sara couldn't wait to call Catherine. "Hi Cath, um, this is Sara."

"Sara? What's up?"

"Did I wake you? I'm so sorry."

"No, I was just getting up."

_She's trying to be nice_. "So, um, I was wondering if you wanted to get a cup of coffee with me this afternoon."

Catherine removed the receiver from her ear, looking at it like it had morphed into an alien being. "Uh, well, this is a bit out of the blue, Sara, is everything all right with you and Gil?"

"Everything is great with Gil. I just have some things I've wanted to share with you."

"Share?!" She let loose a laugh, "You've never shared anything with me, why now?"

"I'll explain all that if you would just meet me. But, please, stop busting my chops, this is hard enough."

Catherine just rolled her eyes and accepted Sara's invitation. If for no other reason, her curiosity would drive her insane if she missed out.

Sara tried to get there first but wasn't successful this time around. "Oh my God!" Catherine's jaw dropped as Sara waddled into the coffee shop. _That must be the universal reaction._

"Well, that was item number one to cover."

"Congratulations! This is incredibly exciting. How far along are you?"

"Just made 28 weeks."

"Boy or girl?"

"I want the surprise of finding out at the delivery."

"How is Gil handling all this? I mean, he hasn't mentioned a thing about it at the lab."

"He's very excited. Just taking it all in stride. There's actually a different reason he hasn't mentioned it."

They both took a sip of ice water, and Sara continued, "Catherine, that's the real reason I called you. I've wanted to tell you for a while now, but the truth is, there's something else going on with me." Catherine looked up questioningly, "I've been in therapy for something called adult attachment disorder. Events in my past made me unable to be truly open with my friends. I'm just learning how to do that."

"Wow, Sara, I had no idea. I just thought you chose to be private."

"Well, that's why I got so uncomfortable at breakfast with everyone wanting to know what I was doing. I wasn't ready to talk about my pregnancy or my therapy with the group just then." She paused for a moment, "Anyway, building my friendship with you is part of that therapy. Besides, I need somebody who understands how all this feels," she rubbed her belly.

Catherine laughed, "I'm not the best one to confide in; I was miserable from day one."

"Really!" Sara's eyes were wide, "In what way?"

"I threw up every day in the beginning, and the nausea really never left me the whole time. And, I was just so tired all the time." She shook her head, "Eddie was fascinated with my pregnant body, but having sex was way down the list for me the way I felt."

Sara laughed at that, "I had kinda the opposite thing happen. I think I'm wearing Gil out."

Catherine's hand flew over her mouth, "Oh, my," she said laughing, "I always hated women like you! You feel great while you're pregnant. Totally not fair!" Shaking her head, "And, I really can't picture Grissom as a sex machine!" They both enjoyed a good laugh.

"Well, I think that's about to run aground if it makes you feel any better." She shifted, "My size is starting to interfere with everything, sleep, sex, _breathing_…" She was no longer smiling.

"Sara, honey, you're gonna get a whole lot bigger." Sara's face contorted in misery.

They talked about pregnancy, deliveries, newborns, and anything remotely related for almost two hours. Sara was thoroughly enjoying Catherine's company, but she did have to get down to business. "Catherine, I have really enjoyed this, but this is all just the tip of the ice burg of what I need to cover with you."

"What? That therapy thing?"

"Yeah, I need to tell you a whole lot more, when can we meet again?"

Catherine was reeling; she was overwhelmed by Sara's openness. "Oh, sure, I'm actually off day after tomorrow, if Gil can do without you, come by the house for dinner with me and Lindsay, when she disappears for her homework, you can fill me in on what you want me to know."

"I'd love to see Lindsay, that sounds terrific, see you then."

Catherine was more than a little curious to know what the next surprise would be. Maybe the next chapter in this tale would explain something about this mysterious woman.

_tbc..._


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Fourteen: Girl Talk**

Grissom caught Catherine later at the lab, "Hey there, Cath, Sara tells me you two had a good visit."

"Oh, yeah!" Catherine smiled and winked, "Girl talk. But, hey," she looked around to make sure there was no one in ear shot, "What's the name of the thing she mentioned, what she's in therapy for? I wanted to check it out before she comes over."

"I'll do you one better, follow me." He led her into his office, reached into his desk for a book, "Everything you wanted to know about attachment issues, I just finished it."

Catherine took the book, perusing the cover, "I'll take a look at this before we have dinner tomorrow," she nodded, "Thanks."

Grissom was tempted to clue her in, if no other reason to soften the blow, but he didn't want to risk sabotaging Sara's therapy. Deep down he was concerned about how Sara would handle this assignment. Catherine could get upset when she feels left out of the loop on things. He'd certainly seen that enough times. _She's gonna be mad as a hornet when she finds out what she _didn't _know about Sara all this time._

When the time came, Sara arrived at Catherine's with some gourmet cheese and crackers. They all nibbled on the treats while Catherine put together pasta primavera and Lindsay tossed a delicious salad. "You two are quite a team at this," Sara marveled in between bites.

Sara was raving even more when they sat down to eat, "This is incredible! I did not know you could cook like this."

"This is just a show for company," Lindsay wined.

"It is not!" Catherine corrected her, "I make this about once a week for us." Looking back at Sara, "See what you eventually have to put up with."

"Ha, ha," Lindsay uttered back, dripping with teenage sarcasm.

When dinner was finished and the plates cleared, "I'm giving you the night off Lindsay, Sara and I will finish in here."

"Don't want to talk in front of the kid, right?" she rolled her eyes as she left for her room. "It was good to see you, Sara."

"You, too, Lindsay!"

"They get too smart for their own good," Catherine reasoned. "So, Sara, um, I tried to get educated on attachment disorders."

"Really?" Sara was clearly moved by the gesture, "Well, then I guess you figured out my childhood was less than ideal."

"Don't feel bad. My parents were hardly Ward and June Cleaver."

"My dad was a monster." Sara stared off into space.

"Got a little carried away with the spanking?"

"You could say that." Sara was having trouble with this, she absently wrung the dishtowel tightly in her hands.

Catherine was trying to help, "So what's the worst thing he did to you?"

"You don't want to start there." Sara shifted uncomfortably, "I know I need to start talking, but Catherine, I'm really having a hard time for some reason. Words that flow in the therapist office are jammed up here. But, hey, there was a time when I couldn't even admit that it was hard," she said with a humorless laugh.

Catherine had done her homework. She knew Sara wasn't choosing to be this way. "If you want to talk about something else first, that's cool, too."

"No, I need to get into this." Sara took a deep breath, "My dad got progressively violent as I grew up. First it was my mother. It was unbelievable the little things that would set him off, and it was sickening the abuse he inflicted on her. We were always going to the emergency rooms. I was around eight years old the first time he lit into me. He broke my collar bone and a few ribs with that first go around. I had to tell the doctor I fell trying to learn to ride my bike. I hated that; I could ride a bike just fine."

Catherine tried to hold in her reaction. She knew there would be some abuse, but this wasn't on her radar. _How could we not know this?!_

"It would turn my stomach inside out to hear the pain he inflicted on her." Sara just shook her head, "and what he did to my brother…"

"You have a brother? You never spoke of him."

"He went into survival mode, and had his own attachment issues. He turned his back on me, and we were separated in foster care. I didn't see him for over twenty years." She shrugged, "I had no reason to speak of him."

Catherine was reeling with all this. "Foster care? How did that come about?"

Sara pursed her lips and shook her head, she was fighting the urge to end the whole conversation and run home to Gil. _She needs to know...you can do it. _Sara sucked in a deep breath, and softly continued, "My mother murdered my father and was sent to jail."

Catherine was incensed, just as Grissom sensed she would be. "Sara, I think I needed to know this working with you."

"Catherine, if a gun were at my head, I couldn't have told you; I didn't know how. You have to understand, I've been in intensive therapy for months, and I can barely get the words out now!"

"What about Grissom, you told him though?"

"I didn't tell him until he came to my apartment ostensibly to fire me after my insubordination to you and Ecklie over the Russian women who were murdered and buried in tar." Sara looked intently at Catherine, "And, let me tell you, I only told him after he relentlessly pursued a confession out of me. Looking back, I still don't know how I even managed to tell him, it was really hard."

Catherine was trying to process everything Sara was saying. She never understood why Grissom claimed responsibility for Sara's insibordination, but now it made sense. He didn't know her past to properly make assignements. That's what he learned about her; that's why he was so sure he could keep her on, why that wouldn't happen again.

"I sent you to look at photos of women with broken mandibles to try to ID that mold you made. God, that must have been incredibly hard, you must have seen your mother in every picture! How could you not tell me to send someone else?!" Catherine was clearly agitated now.

Sara softly replied, "It wasn't in my make up. I couldn't acknowledge that it was a problem for me."

Catherine gripped the back of her neck as she grimaced and nodded. She was coming to terms with everything, but it was difficult.

"Catherine, it's tempting to feel like you should have acted differently, or done something, but really, you didn't fail me at all. I'm getting the help I needed all along, and my life is truly blossoming. Your friendship is one of those blooms." Sara was smiling a genuine grin.

Catherine was starting to lose it now, tears were forming, and she was starting to sob. The pain of Sara's childhood was an immense revelation; it was a lot to absorb. After her experience with Greg; Sara was learning how people who knew her would respond to this news. She was prepared for Catherine's saddness. Sara embraced her and they held on; their friendship was gelling, the barriers were down. Another assignment mastered.

_tbc…._


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Fifteen: The Bet**

Gil had been correct about Catherine's ire, but wrong about the target. The next night at work she stormed into his office, planted both hands on his desk, and glared at him.

"Something on your mind, Catherine," he tried to sound calm.

"How could you leave me in the dark all these years?"

"Sara, told me about her childhood under duress of getting fired. Once all that came pouring out, she didn't feel relief, it was more like panic. I couldn't betray her by telling it to someone else behind her back."

"But, I make some of the assignments around here; don't you think I needed to know about it?"

"I looked out for conflicts. Besides, it's not like she's incapable of working a domestic abuse case; it was just best if she didn't catch too many."

Catherine spoke her mind, but wouldn't stay mad. Grissom couldn't worry about it, anyway. She'd been mad at him plenty of times, and there is no way he would ever tell anyone Sara's secrets. That trust was a key in their relationship. At least Catherine had enough insight into Sara's problems to not be angry at her. She was actually enjoying the long overdue interaction with her.

In her sessions, Sara related to Carla that sharing in the present was easy with Catherine, even confiding some details about her relationship with Gil. Sara had never really had a close friend to confide in the way she was with Catherine. And, despite insisting she was not good at it, Catherine was quite helpful to Sara as she neared term.

What was still difficult; however, was talking about her past. "I'm not sure why that is, but I still find it hard to bring it up with her."

"Believe it or not," Carla stated reassuringly, "You are not going to find it easy with everyone. That happens sometimes without any attachment issues. Some people are just easier to talk to about certain things than others."

Sara thought on that a while. "I guess you're right, _again_."

"Seriously, you've taken someone in as a friend, and you are confiding appropriately with that friend. That's all I can ask of you."

Carla decided Sara really needed to get in touch with the last members of the team. "It must be awkward on Greg and Catherine not being able to acknowledge their interaction with you."

Sara decided she would start with Nick. They had never shared their kidnapping stories with each other. He had tried to get her to talk to him about it many times, but she always evaded the subject. She arraigned a breakfast meeting just like she had with Greg.

His reaction upon seeing her was guarded. His feelings were very hurt that she had kept her pregnancy a secret from him.

"Sar, I understand why you had to keep your relationship with Gris secret, lab policies and everything, but how could you…." he gestured at her very pregnant belly.

She went on to explain, without all the gory details, that an abusive childhood made her unable to confide properly in her friends. She told him of all the therapy she had undergone to get her to this point. She named it for him, adult attachment disorder. And, following her abduction, the post traumatic stress syndrome sent her attachment disorder out of control, and it held her hostage. She couldn't handle any relationships; not even with Grissom.

He now understood her in a way he never thought possible. He understood that she didn't choose to be aloof and secretive, but had no choice, until now. She desperately wanted him to know that keeping details of her life secret was no reflection of her feelings of friendship for him, and he got it.

Nick had gone through some counseling after his kidnapping; mainly just so he could talk and talk about it. That is what helped him the most. He couldn't understand Sara not wanting to do the same. He approached her so many times about it, but she was completely evasive. Now, the barriers were down, and they shared their terrifying experiences in a moving and cathartic exchange. It was one of the most rewarding experiences to come out of her therapy.

"When did you realize you might die there?" Nick asked.

"When I realized it was Natalie who had me; she had killed everyone before me, so I was not too optimistic that I would break the streak. You?"

"The minute I came to in the box." His eyes cast down, "my coffin."

"Do you have nightmares?"

"I did," he shrugged, "but, they've gotten very infrequent now. You?"

"I hardly slept for months. Maybe my subconscious was trying to prevent nightmares. I don't know. I was struggling so after that. I didn't understand it then, but now I do."

Nick let out a laugh, "I still have this fear of bugs."

Sara smiled, "I know someone who might be able to help you with that."

They talked more. They shared details of their emotions and thoughts of being trapped, lost, and waiting for the rescue that may or may not happen. Waiting for a slow death.

"I've never been good at waiting anyway, but waiting under the car, and then lost in the desert was about as difficult as any time I've ever passed in my life." She looked him in the eye, "It had to be worse for you; not having even a clue as to where you were hidden."

"It was tough all right," he nodded. After a pause, "Sara, I can't tell you how relieved I am to have finally gotten to share all of this with you." He gave her a brotherly embrace, "Now, you don't be shy when you need to talk to me about things."

She smiled and winked, "I'm also relieved to finally have this conversation. Thanks for understanding about why it couldn't happen sooner."

Her experience with Nick had come surprisingly easy. Warrick, she knew, would be as well. He was the least judgmental of the bunch. She shared the generalities of her disorder, and why she was not very open about things. He understood and reassured her repeatedly. He seemed the least surprised out of everyone; perhaps he knew her better than she realized.

Carla couldn't have been prouder of Sara. She had achieved absolutely every challenge put forth to her, and succeeded impressively in her relationships. Carla suggested they were already heading into a maintenance phase of her therapy, and could start backing off on the frequency of her visits. That came at a good time, because it was just the opposite with Dr. Massey. The appointments were coming more frequently as her due date approached.

She now had to close her eyes when she stepped on the scale; she couldn't stand to see what her weight had ballooned to. Judy tried to reassure her about it, "But, you're all baby."

"I better be," she rubbed her massive abdomen, "I'd hate to have to learn to live with this."

Dr. Massey checked one final ultrasound, confirming that the baby was positioned properly for delivery. "This is a pretty good size baby; we might want to consider an induction around your due date. They just get bigger after that, and even harder to get out."

"Induction?" Sara questioned, "That's when you start the labor up with drugs?"

"Yes, exactly. A lot of women prefer that, they know they won't have to wait another day. You're probably only thinking you have to get to your due date, but it could go weeks over."

Sara's eyes widened, "I might have to lug this belly around another four weeks?"

"Think about it. We can schedule an induction for a day around when you were actually due." As he left the exam room, "At your next visit you'll be a week away; we'll talk about it again at that time."

Sara was stunned. She had planned on having the least intervention possible for her delivery, and already she was considering artificially induced labor. She knew not to bother Gil with this. He would always say he would go along with whatever she decided. Smart man that way. She immediately called Catherine, "What do you know about inductions?"

"What? What kind of induction are you talking about," Sara had called while she was still sleeping.

"You know, for labor."

"Oh, right," she yawned, "baby by appointment. Go for it, I say. Who wants to wait around after your due date has come and gone."

"But, that means IV's and drugs and stuff."

"Oh, c'mon, granola girl. Get real. You're going to go into labor one way or another, and trust me on this; you'll be begging them for drugs. Drugs for pain, drugs to numb your booty, and drugs to speed up your labor. You'll want it all!"

"No way, I'm gonna gut my way through this."

"You can be as stubborn as you want now, but I'd bet my house on it. You'll end up with the drugs."

"No I won't."

"A day at the spa on it?"

"You're on!"

Sara thought that was the easiest bet she would ever win. The spa treatment sounded heavenly; especially on Catherine's nickel.

Catherine looked at the calendar for her next day off after Sara's due date, to collect on what she viewed was the surest bet she had ever made.

_tbc..._


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Sixteen: The 'Wanna Be'**

The week before Sara's due date was agonizingly long. She was totally miserable with her size, and was incredibly anxious to see the miracle inside of her.

Gil was sympathetic. The years had added a few pounds to his middle, which he detested, but compared to that, Sara was walking around like she swallowed a couple of whole watermelons. The problem was; Gil was finding it harder and harder to pamper her. She was miserable no matter what. French toast had grown old. Sex was no longer in the picture. Cuddling was nice, but she even had trouble getting comfortable for that. She couldn't lay prone for a massage. She was not comfortable, period, end of story. She was not sleeping much, usually just dozing off in the recliner.

Carla had been amazingly correct at everything that concerned Sara, so both Gil and Sara were relieved to hear her say, her melancholy had nothing to do with attachment disorder, post traumatic stress syndrome, or anything other than what a full term pregnancy brings to almost every woman.

Gil worked as much as possible knowing Sara would need him much more after the delivery than right then. He prayed with all his heart that each night that call from her would come. _"It's time." _He desperately wanted to hear those words.

That night he was catching up on some paperwork in his office when his phone rang.

"It's time." Those were her exact words. Grissom flew out of the lab to their home to find her waiting on the couch. She was holding her abdomen and panting as he walked in the door. He froze at the sight. Just then, the big cleansing breath, the smile, and she said, "I'm ready."

Nothing could get the smiles off of their faces as they strode proudly into the hospital, straight to the labor and delivery area. Dr. Massey had called ahead with orders for the nurses of what to do upon her arrival. They politely and expeditiously went about putting Sara in a gown, and connecting her to monitors for contractions and fetal heart tones. Then her admitting nurse went about examining her.

She grimaced as she reached deep inside Sara to measure her cervix. That made Sara wince and grimace in return. "Well, I only measure two centimeters dilated; that's what Dr. Massey said you were in the office last week."

"What does that mean?" Sara asked.

The nurse shrugged, "You're not in labor."

"What!?" Sara shrieked. "How can that be, these contractions are taking my breath away."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Grissom, but until the contractions are pressing the baby into your cervix enough to cause it to dilate; it's not labor." _She's in for a big surprise._

The nurses started to remove the monitors. "What are you doing now?" Sara meekly asked.

"You're free to go; you're discharged."

Now Grissom was confused, "But, what about the contractions?"

"False labor," she answered a little condescendingly, "It happens to a lot of first time mothers."

Sara and Gil traded looks of disgust. They were actually being sent home against their grandest hopes.

As they headed into the hallway to go to the car, they heard Sara's nurse call out to the clerk writing on the dry erase board documenting the status of all the patients, "You can erase '52, she was just a 'wanna be'!"

Sara's head jerked around, "A 'wanna be'? Did you hear that?!"

"Relax, dear," he sighed, "It's what we both wanted _to be_."

_tbc..._

_A/N: I know this is a short chapter, and I really wanted to FINISH this story before I have to leave, but alas, we'll all be 'wanna be's waiting with Sara for a week. I am leaving town, and will not have access to a computer, so...next posting will be a week from tomorrow, and I promise action! Thank you to all following and reviewing my story; it has been a fun one to put together, so glad to have the support. Please, leave a review for me to return to!_


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter 17: The Real Deal**

Sara was still fuming over the whole 'wanna be' thing when they arrived home. "Well, dear," Grissom tentatively began, "You have an appointment with the doctor day after tomorrow; maybe you could ask him about that induction?"

"What?!" Sara looked indignant, "No way, I want to have a natural labor."

"Ok," he shrugged, "maybe you shouldn't go for the induction."

"What?!" She was pacing now, "And, stay like this for another couple of weeks!" she shrieked with her hands framing her swollen middle.

Gil was out of suggestions. _Now what?_

Sara finally listened to herself; she was making no sense whatsoever. Laughing now, she took his hand, "I'm so sorry, I don't need to make you miserable, too."

He smiled in return. "I'm going to go back and finish up, try to stay out of trouble here."

"No promises," she smiled and winked.

Sara waddled around for the next few days. At her appointment with Dr. Massey, he again offered her an induction. Grissom waited with baited breath for her answer. _Please, go for it, for my sanity, if nothing else. _"No, thanks." She sat tall, "I'm going to give it another week." Gil tried to hide his disappointment.

At the lab that night, Catherine hit him up for an update. "We saw the doctor today, and he offered her an induction, but she refused for now."

Catherine saw Gil's weariness, "Aw, c'mon, did you try to get her to take him up on it?"

"I suggested as much."

His expression told Catherine the reaction Sara had. She laughed. She put her hand on his shoulder and shook her head. Then she laughed harder, and walked off.

That was the way it stood for the next few days. Sara was miserable waiting, but was steadfast to her ideal of a natural labor.

Three days after her due date had come and gone, she sat watching old movies on network TV after Gil went into work. Her clicker hand was getting the most exercise of any part of her. She was clicking around three different movies that she had already seen more than once. _This has to be the biggest waste of time since the dawn of mankind._ But, somehow, she couldn't manage to rally to do anything else.

That's when she was hit with a good one, contraction that is. She did her little panting routine; trying not to get her hopes up. They kept coming; in sets of three or five, a few minutes apart, but not any harder than on the infamous 'wanna be' night. _I am NOT falling for this again._

She got up to make popcorn for her movie rotation marathon, salt free of course, not wanting to watch her feet grow too big for her shoes again. The contractions were getting a bit harder after about an hour, but still coming grouped together before fading out.

By now, the movies were over and new ones were on. The contractions were coming so hard she had to grip the arms of her chair while breathing. Sleep was out of the question. After thirty minutes of regular contractions that took her breath away, she decided to start the calls. Gil's shift was not yet over, but she didn't think she could wait. Dr. Massey first, and he agreed she needed to get to the hospital. Gil next, but she could only get his voice mail. He had called earlier to say he was going to a major scene out in the desert. _Surely he wouldn't go where he was in a dead cell area._

She called him ten times before trying Catherine with the same result. _Damn! _Greg, voice mail also. Brass, the same result. _They must have some way to communicate from out there._She called the lab, Judy the receptionist answered, "Sara!" she snickered, "I mean, _MRS_. Grissom, how can I help you?" Her smile was radiating through the phone.

"Judy, I really need you to get a message to Grissom, he's not answering his cell. I'm in labor and I need to get to the hospital."

Judy's jaw dropped, "Oh, my, oh, let me think," she was clearly unnerved with that news, "They are all out at a big scene, and it was shaping up as a double for everybody. Um, I'll call PD and get word out through them."

"That would be great, Judy, thanks."

"Oh, wait, Nick and Warrick just walked in, hold on."

A few seconds later Nick picked up the phone, "We're comin' for ya. Stay put, OK. They'll get a message to Griss and get him to meet us at the hospital."

"Hurry," was all she could say in reply.

They delivered their evidence as fast as they could and flew into Nick's truck to get Sara. When they got there, she was standing with a hand propped up on the wall breathing like a lizard on a hot rock. Neither of them had ever seen a woman in labor so they were a bit taken aback by the intensity of it. She had managed to get a bag together, Warrick grabbed it up and they steered her to the truck. Helping her into the back seat and climbing in the front they sped away, debating the quickest route to the hospital. Their hearts were racing.

"Hey, man," Nick hit Warrick on the arm, "Shouldn't you be ridin' back there with her?"

Warrick shook his head nervously. "I don't know how to do any of that," and he motioned his head in Sara's direction.

By now Sara was laying down on the seat, periodically panting away. "I don't need anybody back here, you cowards," she snickered.

Nick's phone rang, "Stokes."

"Nick, what the heck is happening, I've been calling Sara, but she doesn't answer, have you gotten there yet?"

"Hey, boss, slow down there," he replied, laughing, "She's right here with me and Warrick, and we're on our way to the hospital right now. You just get yourself there."

"Well, OK, but let me talk to her."

Nick passed the phone back, and Sara reached up for it, "Hello, dear."

Nick and Warrick exchanged glances. It was odd to hear someone call Grissom 'dear'.

"These contractions are much harder than the other night, and are coming very regularly now. They can't send me out this time."

Grissom was riding to the hospital with Brass driving like he was chasing the world's most dangerous fugitive. "Make sure you get us there in one piece, OK, Brass?" He was gripping the arm rest, "You know, we're going to beat her there at this rate."

Meanwhile, back in Nick's truck, things were status quo. Nick was driving carefully, but not wasting any time and Sara was periodically breathing up a storm. They calmed down noticing how together she seemed to be over all of this. Just when they thought this was going to be as easy as falling off a log she muttered, "Uh, oh."

"What!" Nick nervously asked, "what is 'uh, oh', Sara?" Warrick turned around to see a panicked face on Sara.

"I think my water broke," she was shifting around, "Yuck!"

Nick rolled his eyes while his stomach did a flip. He was worried about Sara, but also his truck, which he kept meticulously maintained. "Here you go," he reached into the center console and pulled out a hand towel, "I keep this for emergency spills."

When she took the towel from him, she took one look at it and asked "Do you have anything bigger?"

"Huh!?" Nick was officially panicked now.

"Aaaaagh!" Sara screamed, grabbing her belly with one hand, the back of the seat with the other.

"Oh, God, now what?" Warrick's turn to panic.

Her face was grimaced in pain, and it was difficult for her to talk at first. Finally her expression relaxed, and she looked at them with fear in her eyes, "Please, hurry."

"Shit!" Nick was officially scared out of his wits. In his mind, Sara was fearless, but she was now afraid, and he could tell. Just then they rounded the turn on the interstate to come upon a sea of tail lights. It was just starting rush hour, but this was a breakdown or an accident type of back up. Warrick whipped out his phone and began calling PD. "This is CSI Brown, we are transporting a woman in labor to Nevada Women's Hospital and we're bogged down on interstate 15. We need an escort or an ambulance ASAP!"

While Warrick and the dispatcher exchanged the necessary information, Nick tried to calm Sara, "Honey, you hanging in there?"

"Nick," a few tears escaping, "It's getting really hard."

"Stay focused, you're doing that breathing thing like an old pro!" _How long can she keep that up?_

He banged the palm of his hand on the steering wheel in frustration. "Nick," Warrick said hanging up, "They said to try to make it to the shoulder before the traffic stops completely."

Warrick was waving out the window to try to signal drivers to let them merge. Not everyone was cooperative, but they managed to get over and continued to make slow progress down the shoulder. The sound walls blocked them going wider. Sometimes, somebody would block them off, and Warrick would have to go over and explain why they had to get by. No escort was in sight, "Where are they, man?"

Nick's phone rang again, he checked the caller ID, "Grissom, you take it, I'm busy" and he tossed the phone to Warrick.

Warrick leered at Nick, but obliged, "Hey Griss,"

"Where the heck are you? I'm at the hospital already!"

"We hit traffic, but don't worry, we called PD for an escort, they should get here any minute."

Just then Sara was hit with a monster contraction. She unbuckled her seat belt, and was practically up on all fours trying to deal with the agony when she let out an involuntary, scream of pain.

"What was that!? Was that Sara?" Now Grissom was in a panic.

Warrick looked back at Sara and it took his breath away to see the pain she was in. "Yeah, boss, she's in some pain all right. Maybe you could call PD and see where our escort is?"

Nick looked back to see Sara, "Now, c'mon Sar, keep up the breathin' thing." He whispered to Warrick, "I've never seen her scared before, but I think this has done it."

"I heard that," she piped up from the back seat, "And, yeah! I'm scared out of my freakin' mind! I'm in agony I've never imagined, with no help in sight, and God forbid, this baby comes in the back seat of this damn truck, I've got you two cowards to help me? I think Butterfly McQueen would be more help to me right now." She was no sooner done with her rant, than another contraction was taking hold, "And, this stuff keeps pouring out of me, I'm wet and misera…..Aaaaaagh!" She couldn't even finish the sentence.

Nick and Warrick had to remind themselves to breath, and the threesome continued like that until the lights of a police car were seen making its way down the freeway shoulder to their position. "Help is on the way, Sara," Nick said flashing his trademark grin, "You may not be stuck with us after all."

TBC….

A/N: Whew! Sorry to leave you hanging a bit, but I just returned to a huge back log of work. Will try to UD soon. I did promise action though...


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Eighteen: Change in Plans**

As the police car with its lights and sirens was backing up down the shoulder, people were moving their cars out of the way to let them pass. Nick was still finding it slow going, but finally they met up. Warrick and Nick hopped out to see what the plan was to get Sara out of there.

"We don't need to move her, but take this radio and portable light for your dash; just stay close, and radio if you have any problems. We're already in communication with the hospital. They are expecting her, and we'll keep them abreast on our ETA. There's an ambulance at the exit ahead, but they said not to try to transfer her to them unless she's crowning."

Warrick and Nick looked at each other; it was obvious they didn't know what that meant.

"The baby's head is showing!" the officer filled them in; causing a new wave of panic in them.

As they ran back to the truck, "Warrick, one of us has to ride back there with her. If you're too chicken, I'll do it, and you have to drive!"

"No, you're right. I'm up to it, man. I feel like a jerk not riding with her earlier."

As they climbed in, "Warrick," Nick admonished as he shifted into drive, "I have a feeling I'm going to be driving like a bat outta Hell, so figure a way out to keep her buckled up."

Sara was sprawled out on the back seat, laying on her left side, her eyes closed introspectively trying to deal with the immense pain.

"Come on, girl; let's get a seat belt on you some kind of way."

Nick took off flying down the shoulder past the pile up of cars, fighting the urge to look back checking on Sara to keep an eye on the road.

Warrick managed to position at least a lap belt low on her abdomen, and leaned her back into him. When the next contraction hit, she breathed through it, clenching his hand, but eventually losing control, a muffled scream escaping at the peak of the contraction, "Stay with it, Sara, think on the breathing."

Nick asked, "Aren't you supposed to have something to concentrate on? I thought with all that breathing stuff you had to have a focal object, too."

"How would you know about that?" Warrick shot back.

"Hey, I watch TV." Nick flatly replied.

"Yes, it's Grissom's key chain," she managed to say, "I never thought I'd be this far along without him."

Warrick leaned her up to get to his pocket, "Well, at least I've got keys."

Sara nodded, so incredibly grateful to have someone to lean on at this point.

Finally, they were off the freeway, and making good time. The police car was leading them through traffic and red lights, when a call came over the radio, "We estimate ETA less than five minutes."

"You're almost there," Warrick whispered to Sara, as she started the breathing for another contraction, eyes trained on the key ring. "You can do it!"

Meanwhile, at the hospital, they were ready for Sara's arrival on the ER ramp. Grissom was pacing outside Sara's assigned room in labor and delivery. Brass was unsuccessfully trying to keep him calm. He resisted the urge to call Nick and Warrick, knowing he'd rather them concentrate on their task at hand; taking care of Sara.

The automatic door to the L&D unit flew open with Sara in a wheel chair, grimacing and holding her stomach. A male nurse from the ER was practically running behind the chair, with Warrick in stride, hand on her shoulder, bag in the other hand.

The nurses converged at Sara's room as she was wheeled in. "She is tough as nails," Warrick said to Grissom as he passed him the bag. "But, I think she's met her match with this labor stuff."

Grissom nodded, "Thanks for being there for her," he said as he disappeared into her room.

From outside the closed door, Brass and Warrick could hear another involuntary scream. Brass's stomach did a flip as he looked to Warrick, "That must have been some ride!"

"You can't even imagine," Warrick shook his head, "I've had a gun drawn on me and been less afraid."

Unlike the ER where Grissom had been pushed aside as they descended on Sara; here he was given a prominent place at her side. She held onto his hand tightly, but could barely maintain her gaze into his eyes. "Sara, talk to me."

"I've known a lot of pain in my life, but" she breathed out, "this is more than I ever imagined.

She was grimacing and shifting around, barely able to cooperate with the nurses who were trying to get her out of her clothes and into a gown. "Mrs. Grissom, please, just turn on your back now so we can check you."

Gil helped them get her situated on her back, while the nurse reached inside to check the baby's position and the dilation of the cervix, "Oh, yes, you are well on your way."

"So, it's any minute now, right?" Sara murmured with a tinge of hope.

"Oh, no. You've got a long way to go, but you're well on your way." She pulled off the gloves, "You're six centimeters, and you've got to get to ten, but the baby has come down some."

"How?" she was shaking her head incredulously, "How much more of this?"

The nurse was putting in place monitors across her abdomen to pick up the baby's heart beat and another for her contractions. "The rule of thumb is a centimeter an hour, and the way you're contracting, you shouldn't have any trouble with that pace."

Sara was sitting bolt upright now, "Wait a minute," her hands were up in the air, in a 'hold everything' position, "If I do the math, there's four hours left of this shit!"

Grissom's eyebrows shot up hearing her choice of words. The nurse responded, "Yes, my best guess."

"And, then it gets worse? Right?"

"Definitely, the second stage of labor can be much more painful, especially the first delivery." She said, cocking her head, "Do you want to rethink that epidural? Dr. Massey said you can have it if you passed four centimeters."

"Are you f--ing kidding me?!"

"Sara!" Grissom heard enough, he had never heard her use such language, "Honey, calm down, I think they heard that f-bomb in Pahrump!"

"I want it all, IV's, drugs, and anything else you got, and if I'm gonna get it, I want it ten minutes ago!" Then she turned to Grissom, "and if you don't want your testicles in a vice until you're 'feeling my pain', you best be quiet!"

Grissom was speechless. That was it; she was possessed by demons. The nurse was reading his mind, "Don't worry, Mr. Grissom, the wife you know and love will return very soon," and she grinned broadly as she left the room to get the supplies for the epidural and call the doctor.

Brass and Warrick were dutifully waiting outside the room when Nick came running up. "What's happening?"

They both took in a long breath. Warrick reported that they had no news, but the sound effects were still going strong.

"Well, at least she's in a place better than the back of my truck," he said shaking his head.

The nurse came back in the room with an IV set. "I need to get an IV started and give you some fluid before Dr. Reilly gets here. He's putting in an epidural down the hall, and you're next."

"Um," she was squirming a bit, "I really didn't pay attention to this part of the class, because I wasn't _planning_ on an epidural."

"No problem, he'll talk you through it. Our anesthesiologists are very good here. I promise, you'll be glad you got it."

"Thanks, that helps." Just then a contraction started, "Oh, no," she uttered as the breathing commenced. Grissom grabbed his keys, and started to help her through it. She made it through in control; knowing she had an end in sight to this agony, and finally him at her side.

Just then Dr. Massey entered the room, "The real deal this time!" He got an update from her nurse before checking her himself. "Sara, you have the perfect storm for a difficult labor; first baby, _big_ baby, posterior presentation, and fast labor, but not fast enough. You are doing the right thing letting us give you an epidural."

The nurse popped in the IV without difficulty. "There, I hope that wasn't too bad."

"Not at all," Sara replied, "especially compared to all this other stuff."

"Well, believe it or not, all my patients tell me that hurts more than the epidural."

"What? That can't be true; you're just saying that."

"But, it is! You'll see."

It wasn't long before the anesthesiologist made it to her room pushing a cart of his supplies. "Hi there, I'm Dr. Reilly, and I understand you are ready for your epidural."

"That's a huge understatement." She replied.

"Just a little business first," he said pulling out a clipboard of papers, "Epidurals are not without risk, I'll need to get your consent first."

"Just show me where to sign," Sara responded quickly, reaching for his pen.

"Sara," Grissom cautioned, "don't you want to hear the risks first?"

"You still don't get it do you? If he told me he'd have to stick the needle through my eye to get me out of this agony, I'd say 'how soon can you start?'"

Grissom decided to stay quiet.

Dr. Reilly started getting her into position, "My nurse is still with our last patient, is it all right if your husband stays with you for this?"

"He doesn't have a great history watching me undergo procedures." Sara stated as she recalled Grissom throwing up as he watched the treatment in the ER she endured after her rescue from the desert.

"I'll be fine, dear, this is different."

She managed a smile, "I'd like you to stay."

He nodded, and started helping her sit up, following the direction of the doctor. As he started preparing his equipment and medicines, he was asking her some medical questions. "Oh, my God," she lamented, as she started up the breathing.

"Just get through this, and it will probably be the last bad one you have. The minute it starts going down, I'll start the epidural."

Sara was an anesthesiologist's dream. She was tall, thin, and her back was limber. Best of all, she was so strong and motivated to get relief, she wouldn't move a muscle once she got into position and was told to hold still.

She gave the all clear, he nodded toward Grissom telling him to get her bent over into the position he'd shown them. "Stick and a burn by my finger," he said as he injected numbing medicine into the skin and tissue underneath.

"That's the worst part." He took out a rather long needle which caused Grissom's stomach to flip as he watched him push it into his beloved, but she didn't react. It was only inserted a small amount before he loaded up a syringe with a small amount of air. Grissom's stomach settled down as his scientist self took over.

"Is that air?"

"Yes," the doctor responded as he alternately advanced the needle a millimeter or so and then tested the syringe. As the doctor began explaining the anatomy of the spine to Grissom, he forgot all about the fact that a frighteningly long needle was being advanced into Sara' back.

Just then, the glass syringe collapsed easily. He pulled back on it to check for fluid or blood, not seeing any, he injected the medicine, "You're going to feel a cramp back here, that's normal, just don't be startled, and don't move." Grissom was mesmerized watching.

"Eew," Sara let out, "It doesn't hurt, but it's weird, like a part of my body I've never felt before."

"Almost done," the doctor reached for a catheter which looked like an incredibly long, thin piece of spaghetti. Just then she started a contraction, "Hold what you've got, we're almost done. You can't move yet!"

She held her position, but couldn't muffle one last scream in release. "You're doing fantastic," the doctor praised her. After threading the catheter well into the needle, "The tugging is the needle coming out, and you can sit up."

"Really?" She asked incredulously, "It's done?"

"Yep," and he held up the other end of the spaghetti looking thing, "this is your epidural catheter, the other end is inside of you, and we can give you medicine for as long as you labor," he said as he put tape all across her lower back to secure his handiwork. "Your next contraction will be shorter and not as hard; this will be fully set up in about ten more minutes, but starts immediately."

"Cool," she breathed out in relief.

Grissom helped her ease back into the bed, as the anesthesiologist continued to give instructions. Her epidural was hooked up to a pump containing more numbing medicine so it wouldn't wear off.

After he left, Grissom noticed the needle on the contraction monitor going up off the chart, "Do you feel that?"

"I feel something," she reached down to feel her stomach contracting, "I don't believe this! That was a contraction!" She smiled in relief and reached up to reign in a hug from Gil. "This is wonderful, but I still can't believe the way I behaved." She shrugged, "and the way I caved. I thought I had a lot more stamina than I displayed."

He looked deeply into her eyes, "Sara, honey," taking her hand in his, "You are the strongest woman I know. I mean, let me correct that, the strongest _person_ I know. You would have done what you had to, but they gave you a choice, and you chose wisely."

"How bad was I acting?"

"My ears are still burning from some of the language, but I'll get over it," he laughed.

"Are Nick and Warrick still here? I need to apologize to them, too."

"Let me see," he opened the door to see them there, now joined by Catherine and Greg. "It looks like the gang's all here." Grissom motioned them to come in, "The man who was just here said he was an anesthesiologist, but I think he was really an exorcist."

"I suppose I deserve that," Sara responded. "Nick, Warrick, please forgive me."

"Wow," Nick's eyes were big as saucers, "Is this the same gal?"

Catherine cut across everyone to deliver a hug, "I'm so glad you came around."

"Are you just saying that because of our bet?" Sara teased.

"No," she shook her head, laughing, "I think it's the only sane thing to do!"

"Gil," Sara still surprised everyone calling him that, "We owe Nicky here a detail job on his truck."

"Hey," Nick had his hands up, "You don't owe me anything, just as long as you name the baby for me." That got a few hits in the arm. "What?! Nicky makes a cute name for a girl or a boy, can't go wrong," he grinned broadly.

"What names do you have picked out?" Greg chimed in.

"I want to save that until we see him _or_ her." Sara answered to a chorus of groans. "Now c'mon, haven't I revealed _enough _secrets these past few months!" she held her hands up as the room broke up in laughter.

Just then the nurse entered the room, "OK," she motioned to the door, "I get to be the bad guy. Mrs. Grissom needs her rest before she has to really go to work, so I must ask everyone but Dad down to the waiting room."

Grissom followed them out to tell them to head on home, and promised to call when things were immanent. By the time he returned to the room, Sara was fast asleep, contracting away.

tbc...

A/N: Apologies to those readers who wanted Sara to just tough it out, but an easy labor is so boring! The fact is labor pain is extremely variable; some labors are quite amenable to natural deliveries, and some are down right impossible, especially when given a choice. It's no knock on any woman's fortitude who chooses to get pain relief, so don't be too hard on Sara! Stay tuned, geek baby on the way...


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters

A/N: I'm sorry to say that between work and kids I'm so far behind with everything that it's taking a bit of time to get back to this story. Thanks for your patience and for the incredible reviews in the meantime. ;) I tried to put in just enough angst to make up for the down time.

**Chapter Nineteen: Stubborn like Mom**

Sara's contractions continued in a good pattern, but the progress of her labor slowed down considerably. Dr. Massey attributed the turn of events purely to the size of the baby. He started preparing Sara for the possibility of a Cesarean Section, knowing it was not at all what she wanted; he was trying to ease the blow if it did come to that.

Every time her nurse came in to check her, Gil and Sara's optimism swelled, only to be deflated by the result. Sara couldn't imagine that as much as she was contracting, she wasn't dilating any faster. Eventually, Dr. Massey started some pitocin to augment her contractions even more. Things still plodded along.

At her request her epidural infusion was decreased so she could feel more of her contractions. Still, meager progress at best.

The hardest part was the wait. Sara wasn't good at waiting, but waiting when you don't know how long you'll be at it is even more difficult. It seemed like she had been in labor for an eternity. After all the time and effort she expended to be ready for this moment; the moment just wouldn't come.

Dr. Massey let her continue to labor as long as she continued to progress; albeit slowly. It took a little more than ten more hours to go from six to ten centimeters, but finally she made it; she was completely dilated. The time had arrived for pushing; however, she was already so very tired. She had a short nap after the epidural first went in, but other than that had been awake for well over twenty four hours. Including the stress of the car ride to the hospital, coupled with the uncertainty over the whole process, she was wrung out. _Nothing_ had gone according to her plan, and now she was starting to develop a temperature with her water ruptured for so long, that was taking even more out of her.

She knew that the pushing would be tough, since the baby was so hard to bring down to that point, but she wasn't ready to throw in the towel; despite her utter exhaustion, she was ready to rally.

Sara could feel her contractions, but they weren't painful. She could tell when it was time to push. Gil counted out loud with her to regulate each effort. He could see she was putting absolutely everything she had into each contraction. When the contraction would go down, she would catch her breath and get ready for the next one. Gil desperately wanted to help more in the effort, to give her some kind of relief, but support and coaching were all could provide.

They went on like that for two more hours. Sara was totally exhausted, but still giving it her all. Dr. Massey assessed the situation, "Sara, you've brought the baby down some, but not enough. It's decision time. I think it's down enough to get some forceps around the head and assist you if you're up to one more big effort; however, it we don't do that, our only choice is to go for a Cesarean Section."

Sara was unbelievably stubborn on some things, but this time she knew she had done all she could. She knew she was not going to push that baby out without help. She wanted to give it one more go around so she opted to try the forceps route, hoping to avoid surgery.

They prepared for the delivery. Dr. Reilly dosed the epidural back up, and the room was transformed into a delivery room. Gil was dressed in scrubs and brought back to her side. "This child clearly takes after you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked wearily.

"Stubborn as a mule," he was trying to lighten her mood, "I mean, I can't blame the kid for wanting to stay in there," he shrugged.

She smiled back in reply.

Everything was set. Dr. Massey positioned the forceps around the baby's head and instructed Sara that with the next contraction she needed to push like her life depended on it. The nurse was monitoring for the contraction as everyone in the room stood silently anticipating it. After a seemingly endless delay, the uterus began to tighten and the nurse gave the signal, Sara pushed so hard she felt like the blood vessels in her brain would burst. Gil had her head and shoulders supported as he counted through her efforts. Dr. Massey was guiding the head through the birth canal with the forceps. Sara finally let out a scream as she had maxed out her effort. "No," the nurse cautioned, "If we hear you then you're losing some of the force of the push, stay focused."

When the contraction went down, Dr. Massey reported, "The next one should do it. Sara, you're doing great, give me one more good push."

At the next contraction, the whole process repeated itself until the nurse told Sara to stop pushing and breathe. She looked up confused, "That's right," Dr. Massey confirmed, "The head is out." He was clearing the nose and mouth with a bulb syringe and Gil was straining to see. "OK, Sara, gentle push now." She complied and he guided the shoulders out.

Gil was anxiously gripping her hand so tightly she thought her fingers might break, but she could only focus on this miracle that was happening to her. All her life, she faced challenges. She fought tooth and nail to achieve success in school and later in work. Never had she envisioned the ultimate success that was about to be bestowed on her. The product of a loving relationship was something previously out of reach for her. Now, she looked on it as the crowning achievement in her life.

Dr. Massey was cradling their newborn as he was placing clips on the umbilical cord. Gil was craning his neck to try to view the baby.

"What is it?" Sara couldn't see any of the baby, and was counting on Gil's eyes. "Gil, what do we have?"

Dr. Massey held the baby in such a way that Grissom could finally get a good look. He could only gaze at his newborn son in complete awe. He had no profound quotations, no words of wisdom, just tears of joy. "It's a boy," he managed to tell her.

Dr. Massey passed Gil the scissors and instructed him to cut the cord between the clamps. No sooner than that was done; the baby was passed to Sara.

Gil looked at Sara's face; it was lit up brighter than the morning sun. Sara was crying as she welcomed her son to the world. The sound of her voice was all it took to quell the crying and fidgeting of the baby. She clutched him to her chest as Gil had one arm around hers and the other stroking her forehead. The infant was calmly blinking at the lights of the delivery room, trying to adjust, scanning for the source of that familiar sound.

"Hello there, Mathew Eric Grissom," she cooed.

For two people who take a lot of pictures, they forgot all about the camera. "May I?" the nurse asked, holding up Gil's camera. They nodded and she proceeded to take pictures of the scene.

Gil was fighting for composure, but was still without words. He kissed her softly, and their baby, over and over. He unwrapped the blanket a bit to peek at the whole package, "ten fingers, ten toes," Sara commented, "He's perfect."

Meanwhile, Dr. Massey was barking orders at the nurses. Sara was hemorrhaging. "Double up on the pitocin." He was massaging her uterus trying to get it to contract down. "Get some methergin in here!"

Sara started to lose her grip on the baby, and Gil noticed something was happening. He took the baby from her, staring down in fear and confusion at the frenzied activity surrounding her.

"What's the BP?"

"70/30!"

"Open the fluids, get a stat blood count and prepare an operating room."

The nurse began to explain to Gil that Sara's uterus had not contracted as it normally does after delivery. That was causing her to bleed, but they were trying to fix it with medicines and fluid replacement. She explained Sara might eventually need a blood transfusion.

"What was the operating room comment about?" Gil asked.

"If nothing else works, she needs an emergency hysterectomy."

Gil felt weak as his emotions plummeted from the highest of highs down to the edge of an abyss. He was now holding their infant son, but watching Sara drift off. More nurses came in the room, another IV was started, Dr. Massey was shouting out orders, and everyone was moving in double time. He held the child with one arm, and tried to rouse her with the other.

Her eyes flickered open, but just when she tried to speak, a nurse abruptly placed an oxygen mask over her face.

Grissom was reeling. He had faced possibly losing her in the desert, and then he lost her to her attachment disorder. However, now he was seeing his wife, mother of his son, the one love of his life, fighting for her life once again. He was frozen, clutching their child, praying to God for this new nightmare to end.

Mercifully, just as fast as things began to fall apart, they started to turn around.

Sara opened her eyes again, and tried to speak. He merely put his finger to his lips, and whispered, "Tell me later, save your strength."

Dr. Massey finally declared her uterus was firming up, and the bleeding was slowing. Her blood pressure was responding to the fluids. The blood count would determine the need for a blood transfusion; she was stabilizing, there was no rush.

Everyone in the room was breathing easier. Gil was still frozen like a statue. The newborn nursery nurse came over, "Now that things have settled down, why don't we let mom say a good bye to the little guy and we'll take him to get cleaned and weighed."

Gil was still trying to process the whole scene, but caught her drift and presented the baby back to Sara.

She was completely spent, "You better keep him for now," she whispered, declining to take the baby back.

Dr. Carla Reese's fears in her first session with Sara were now resonating with Gil. _It is vital to the baby's development that they bond appropriately._

The nurse took the baby and placed him into a covered, warmed crib for transport to the nursery. "Dad, you can come with me while we weigh him, and deliver the news in the waiting room."

Gil Grissom was never more torn in his entire life. Finally, the reason in him decided his son would be in good hands; he needed to stay with Sara. "I can't leave her right now."

Dr. Massey read his reaction. "Gil," he placed a hand on his shoulder, pulling him aside, "Carla informed me about Sara's attachment disorder, but I assure you, that is not what is going on here."

Grissom had a rare look of confusion on his face.

"Let me reassure you. Sara is stable. The bleeding has stopped. Her blood pressure has recovered. And," he paused for effect, "the reason she didn't want to hold her baby is that she is completely and utterly exhausted. _No_ woman that went through that kind of labor and delivery is going to have much left for their newborn right now."

He nodded and went over to her. She was able to smile for him, but not much else. "Go check on Mathew," was all she could get out.

He decided to go to the nursery with their son as everyone suggested, and Sara had asked of him.

On the way, they passed the waiting room, and even though he never got a chance to call them, the team was there anyway. Cheers greeted them as they arrived. Stopping to let everyone see Baby Boy Grissom, there were a lot of ooooh's and aaaaah's, and slaps on the back.

"OK, we finally learn the sex, so what's his name?" Catherine inquired.

"Mathew Eric Grissom." Gil proudly answered. "Mathew was my father's name. Sara insisted on it. Since she never got to meet the man, she said it was her way to reach out to him." He smiled and cocked his head, "and, reaching out to people is something she's becoming quite adept at."

tbc…..


	20. Chapter 20

I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Twenty: Bonding of a Family**

"Nine pounds, five ounces!" the nursery nurse announced. "He's a prince!" He was truly a strapping, hearty kid. Bald and brawny, Sara's height and Grissom's build.

The camera flashed as Grissom captured his son displaying his displeasure with the weigh-in process. His mind was only partially there; he was missing Sara, concern was weighing heavily on him despite Dr. Massey's reassurances.

As requested, Dr. Massey called Dr. Reese first chance he got. He was well aware of the work she had done with Sara, and knew to call any hour of the day or night. He related the labor and delivery blow by blow; leaving Carla, with her squeamish nature, wincing and groaning at the other end of the line. "Her response was beautiful initially, but the hemorrhage really took the little she had left right out of her. She was physically drained."

Carla was confident in Sara at this point, but decided she would need to pay a visit to check things out for herself, after Sara had a chance to rest.

Meanwhile, once the baby was checked, cleaned, and settled into the newborn nursery, Gil returned to Sara's room to find her fast asleep despite the glare from the bright lights and the nurse's activity in the room. "She'll be sleeping like that for a while," she was shaking her head, "That was a terribly difficult delivery."

"She's OK, though?" he asked, stroking her forearm, seeing no response.

"She's just fine. The blood count came back pretty low, but it's stable so we're holding off on any transfusions. In fact, I'm getting ready to transfer her out to a regular room."

They'd spent enough time in hospitals that he knew that was a step in the right direction.

The team finally gave up on seeing Sara once they were reassured she would be fine, but needed rest before she would be able to have visitors.

The night passed uneventfully. Sara barely stirred, and was back asleep the minute she was left alone. Her nurse was coming in hourly to check her vital signs, and make sure there was no unusual bleeding. Gil maintained a vigil at her bedside. He drifted off in the chair a few times, but decent sleep eluded him.

Early the next morning a knock was heard at the door of Sara's room, "Nursery," the nurse announced, pushing a rolling bassinet with a screaming baby. "We were trying to let you rest, but we just couldn't hold him off any longer," she reported with a smile, "He's ready for Mama."

Sara stirred, stretched, and looked about the room as the lights flickered on. It was clear she was confused, and was trying to get her bearings. Her eyes were heavy from sleep; she really had no clue as to where she was. The nurse was raising the back up on the bed, moving Sara into position. Sara's disorientation didn't stop the nurse from getting her situated in the bed to feed her baby. She then reached into the crib to retrieve their son and placed him in Sara's arms. After a few adjustments, satisfied that mother and son were appropriately settled the nurse turned her attention to Gil, showing him where the supplies were under the bassinet, "Diapers, wipes, are in here, extra blankets, here…."

He was only half hearing her as his full attention was on Sara and Mathew. She was whispering to him as she stroked his head and nursed him. It was a blissful sight for Grissom to behold. Just then she looked up to meet his eyes and delivered a genuine, contented smile. That smile communicated everything to Grissom; he knew that Sara was where she needed to be; physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Once they were alone with their baby, Sara remarked, "I feel like this is all a dream. I guess I slept so hard; yesterday seems like a blur."

"It can't be a dream," Grissom countered, "even dreams are not this good," he remarked, drinking in the sight before him. When Sara passed Mathew to him, he instinctively positioned him on his shoulder, bouncing him while patting his back. "It's true, Sara," he was shaking his head, "I never dreamed I would be a husband and a father, and here we are." His brilliant blue eyes were flashing with pride.

Later that day, Carla dropped in for a session disguised as a social visit. She observed Sara with Mathew and was thoroughly impressed. There was no reason to think her interaction with the newborn wouldn't continue to thrive. Despite the difficult delivery, Sara was doing beautifully. She was able to share her emotions and feelings with Carla freely.

The rest of the hospital stay was routine, except that Sara was a little unsteady getting up for the first time. Ultimately, Dr. Massey wanted to keep her an extra day despite her heated protests to the contrary.

Gil called Catherine and told her they were cleared for a visit. One by one the team came by. Sara was genuinely glad to see and share with everyone. They all wanted to hold the baby. Mathew took it all in stride; he seemed to relish all the attention.

When it was time, the Grissom family headed home together. Gil had already rigged the car seat, following the instructions to the letter. Sara was a little nervous. She had handled huge responsibilities over her life, but the complete dependence of another life on her was daunting.

Sara's sister in law, Tracy, arranged to come and stay a few days to help. While Sara was communicating regularly with her mother; that was not the person she wanted giving parental advice. Laura was supremely disappointed, but deep down she understood and knew better than to push it.

Tracy was a Godsend. She basically took care of Sara so Sara could take care of Mathew, but more importantly, she was able to offer experienced reassurance that Sara was, in fact, doing everything just right.

When Tracy had to leave, Catherine stepped in. Sara had become so comfortable with Catherine, that it was a relief to have her there. Lindsay came a few times as well, she had been babysitting, and wanted to gain some supervised experience with a newborn. Sara enjoyed her time with Lindsay, and with her new found ability to become closer to people, the two formed a special bond.

Gil had been trying to work while they had help at home, but it was torture leaving his family to go into the lab. He was completely changed by the whole experience, and now he understood a whole lot more about people. _So this is what was missing in my life all this time._

The role of proud father fit Grissom like a glove. He soon had his office decorated with pictures of Sara and Mathew. His wallet carried photos as well. He eagerly helped take care of him, learning to bathe, change, and soothe him whenever needed. He relished every opportunity. Baby Grissom didn't know it, but he was already in possession of a baseball glove, courtesy of Dad.

For someone who was very tight lipped about his personal life; those in lab now had to endure lots of information to keep them up to speed on every development of the Grissom baby.

After a few weeks, Sara was feeling very comfortable with the newborn routine. She was naturally able to go without sleep, so she fared better than most new moms with the nightly awakenings. Gil was taking a bit more time off to help her, and give her just enough of a break to catch up. He savored those times with his infant son. Between Gil and Sara, Mathew was in great supply of loving tenderness.

Just when they thought they had it made, Mathew began to cry. He cried and cried, and then cried some more. He was impressive in his ability to cry for hours no matter what anyone tried to do to soothe him. Sara brought him in to see the doctor. The pediatrician examined him, declared him healthy and thriving, thus confirming it, "Colic." Shaking his head, "It's very trying to a parent, but the list is short of fixable problems. Once you try to feed and change them, it is hit or miss to find some other way to calm them."

He suggested several things to try, but nothing worked; car rides, various music tapes, stroller walks, a swing, the dishwasher sound, swaddling, bouncing, holding, setting down, even singing, he continued to cry. Catherine came by, but her tricks didn't work either. "Not much worked with Lindsay either, but it doesn't go on forever," she shrugged.

"The doctor said it could be three to four months," Sara lamented.

Catherine winced and nodded. She had been through it, too.

A colicky baby was trying to any parent, and now Sara really understood the importance of her therapy. It was especially difficult to handle when your supreme effort to comfort the baby is being met with even more crying. She could see how it would be easy to just close the door and hide from it.

She continued her sessions with Carla, but her doctor was confident Sara was doing fine. The sessions were more about reassurance than anything else. She observed that Sara freely discussed how she was feeling; Carla knew she was currently free from the burden of her attachment disorder and would prevail.

While Sara never did find any sure fire trick to ease poor Mathew's colic spells, they eventually started to diminish. Mercifully, at four months he even began to sleep through the night. Sara was falling into a predictable schedule with him, and found that feeding, sleeping, and bathing at a set time kept everything right in his little world.

She started taking him out and about. Sometimes it was just a walk in the park, or a visit to the grocery store, but they were on the go when it wasn't naptime. She had gotten very adept at packing away all the toys, wipes, diapers, bottles, and snacks in a back pack, and was never without something she needed. It wasn't a whole lot different than maintaining her CSI kit, just different supplies.

Time had come to start looking for a place for the Grissom family to call home. Sara and Mathew headed out with a realtor daily to check out possibilities. The offerings varied from larger townhomes to sprawling suburban developments. She finally narrowed down the possibilities, and lugged a reluctant Gil out on a tour. They decided that something with a yard was a must, now having both a child and a dog. There was one house in particular that appealed to both of them. It was in an older neighborhood, adjacent to a park with a playground full of children. The house itself needed a little work, but had been renovated recently enough that it had all the amenities today's families were looking for.

It was decided. They put in an offer, and after a counter, and then a second offer; it was a done deal. Moving, fixing up the new house, decorating, and finding furniture was a full time job for Sara, and not tasks that she had much experience with. Still, she got help from Gil, and even Catherine when needed, but worked diligently to make their new house their home.

By the time it was done, Mathew was eight months old, and engaging as he interacted with the world he was so fascinated with. He was growing and thriving right on schedule. Sara was at the point of facing decisions on her own future. Her attachment disorder was under control, although she maintained occasional visits with Carla to make sure that it stayed that way. A lot of those sessions dealt with the possibility of returning to work. Would seeing that misery and death trigger her attachment issues again? It was a question she now wrestled with daily.

tbc...

A/N: Rainy days are the BEST for writing! I know there was a lot of fast forward in that last chapter, but I'm trying to focus on the topic I started with. Given that, Sara has defeated her attachment disorder for now, so there is not a whole lot left for this story. I'll deal with the work issue in the next chapter or two, and then I may wrap it up...your thoughts?


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or these characters.

**Chapter Twenty One: Rebirth**

Sara left home that afternoon for her appointment while both Gil and Matt were napping hard. She arrived at Dr. Reese's office right on time. "Hello, Donna," she greeted the receptionist, "How's the gum working?"

Donna winced as she chomped away on her nicotine gum, "Well, I haven't smoked a cigarette in several weeks, but now I gotta figure a way to give up this gum."

Sara was laughing at Donna's newest dilemma just as the inner office door opened and the patient before her silently left, eyes reddened and swollen. It took her back to see that sight; remembering the tears she had shed facing her own ghosts. It was a stark reminder of the progress she had made; she was indeed in a much better place.

As she entered Carla's office and took her seat, feeling the progress she made gave her an air of confidence. She was ready to embark on the next phase of her life.

"Sara, I must say you're looking well." Carla said as she greeted her star patient.

"I feel ready." She looked off, "Ready to plot out my future." As she reacquired eye contact with Carla she continued, "I've achieved so much in the last year, it's like I have to pinch myself to remember I'm not dreaming all this."

Carla was beaming; Sara's accomplishments were truly remarkable.

Sara continued, "You know, I'm comfortable in my wife and mother role, we're settled into our new home, so now it's time to consider returning to work in some form." She shrugged, "I need to work; I need the challenge.

"It's part of you, yes. You wouldn't be the wife and mother you want to be if you didn't take care of yourself."

Sara shifted in her chair, "I'm not afraid to admit that I'm scared to death of having my attachment issues resurface with the traumas I would regularly be facing as a CSI."

Carla confirmed Sara's fear, "You are correct. That is a risk; however, your remarkable insight into the risk diminishes the chance of it occurring. Besides, you must know that even if problems develop, you would be a long way from where you started with me. It wouldn't be hard to get you back fully functional."

Sara paused to think for a moment before replying, "I see what you're saying, but I don't think it's a battle I ever want to fight again," she squinted ever so slightly, shaking her head, "not _ever_. That was a painful, lonely place where I used to live."

Carla nodded sympathetically. She couldn't know first hand the pain Sara had been in, but she was immensely gratified having guided her out of it.

When they finished, Sara decided to sit down with Gil and see what options were available at the lab, short of field work, and more importantly, how they would manage Mathew's care.

With Sara's experience in the field and educational background, there was virtually nothing in the lab she couldn't handle with minimal training. That helped, but what hurt was that she was looking for a part time schedule. If there were people applying for full time positions, they would certainly be hired over her. Gil and Sara knew that as busy as the lab was, they really needed full time workers. Besides, the few part timers they had were always being called out, virtually turning them into full timers, by default.

Then they had to consider the shift that would be best. Even if she worked in the lab, there would still be conflicts with her working the same shift as Grissom, but they were manageable.

As they talked it out, the day shift actually made the most sense. They could arrange day care easier for that time when she would be working and Gil sleeping. Also, Gil would be off as a back up in case of sickness or another eventuality. Even though Sara would be working when Gil was sleeping, and vice versa, so they would still share quality off time in the afternoon, evening, and days off. One problem remained; Ecklie. Sara was loathe to work with him, and the day shift was always short because of his antagonistic leadership.

"I still think I need to bite the bullet and try to work it out." Sara declared. "Matt's well being takes precedent. I can only return to work comfortably if I know he's going to be in a good situation. We have so many good choices for childcare during the daytime hours."

Gil cocked his head, and nodded, "I'll try to set up a meeting with Ecklie; see what he's got." He shrugged, "I know we're not his favorite colleagues, but I suspect even he won't be able to pass on a talent like you, part time or otherwise."

The meeting was arranged. Sara wanted Gil there with her in case Ecklie acted, well, like only Ecklie could. Gil could go toe to toe with him, but it would kill her chances if she tried to herself. Catherine wanted to baby sit, if for no other reason to be the first to get the scoop on the meeting. After their shift, she and Gil arrived together, and after a brief visit Gil and Sara headed into the lab.

"Sara!" Ecklie extended his hand as she entered his office, "You look amazing. The changes in your life obviously agree with you. Congratulations on the wedding, the baby, that's all so wonderful."

"Thank you," she politely replied.

"Gil, good to see you as well," Gil reluctantly shook hands and they took their seats.

"So," he leaned back in his desk chair, "What can I do for you?"

"I'm here to explore my options," Sara started in, "I'd like to return to the lab."

"I thought as much," Ecklie considered his response. He had been looking forward to this moment, hoping Sara would return, groveling. "Well, as you must be aware, your file is full of behavior that is, well, not very professional."

Gil didn't hesitate, "C'mon, Conrad, it has much more positives in there than negatives."

He laughed, "Sure, with the lion's share of the positives written up by you; and we now know how completely unbiased those evaluations are, _Dad_." Ecklie slammed the file shut, "Besides, your abrupt departure was indisputably unprofessional. We were already short, and you gave no notice at all. I'm not sure we need that back in this lab."

Grissom wasn't going to let him get away with that last one, "Sara has proven her dedication over the years, and she tried to stay on, but was forced to leave for health reasons, and besides, I pulled more than enough doubles to make up for her place on the schedule."

"Health reasons?" He smirked, "I thought you had a nervous breakdown or something."

Grissom was fuming; he didn't expect open arms, but he certainly didn't see this coming. Sara held her hand up to let him know she would take over. She calmly started in, "I suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome after my kidnapping. I also had a disorder related to some childhood traumas that was becoming difficult to deal with in the setting of the post traumatic stress. Those childhood traumas were largely responsible for the negative issues you alluded to in my file. I left work to seek treatment for all of that, and I am happy to say the treatment has been quite successful."

Ecklie looked at her dubiously, so she added, "I can provide a physician's report to verify my diagonsis and successful treatment, if you'd like."

"I see," Ecklie rubbed his chin in thought, her explanation was hard to fault, "I think, given the circumstances, providing that documentation would be prudent."

"That will be no problem. I see Dr. Carla Reese; I'll have her contact you directly."

"OK, very good," pausing to jot down the name, "Now, are you looking to return to your old job?"

"Actually, no," she paused, "I'd like to work only in the lab, on days, and if possible, part time, only three of four shifts a week."

Ecklie's eyebrows rose in surprise, he wasn't expecting _any_of that. She had been a workaholic, a field CSI, and devoted to Grissom's graveyard team. This flew in the face of her former self. "What? Are you saying you don't want to work with the Great Gil Grissom on grave?" he smiled sarcastically.

Gil rolled his eyes, and Sara fought mightily to resist a fitting comeback. "We have to consider our son's well being. Days make more sense."

"Very well," he sat forward, "What area were you interested in?" he asked, shifting some papers around his desk.

"Actually, I think I can work where ever I'm needed. I can also process any evidence in the lab the field CSI's are too busy to get to. I would prefer to stay out of the field as I feel like that could potentially trigger the problems which forced me to leave last year. I don't want to risk that."

Sara was certainly not Ecklie's favorite CSI, but this was too good to pass up. He knew she could really fill just about any need, and would provide invaluable input to his less experienced CSI's as they brought in evidence and ran cases by her. "OK, then, ah, when are you looking to start?"

"I need to finalize the childcare, and then I'm good to go, probably early next week."

Looking over his calendar, "How does the 14th sound?"

"Great," Sara replied, managing a wide grin.

"Are you going to be flexible on which days you work?"

"Yes, as long as I can keep it to three scheduled, and one more call out as needed. However, I'm firm on that."

"And, I can really assign you anywhere I need you?"

"That's the deal."

Ecklie pursed his lips and fought a greedy grin. He reasoned that if Sara could keep from mouthing off to him as she had in the past, he had just been handed an extraordinarily valuable asset to his team. Still, he tried to maintain a posture that it was he who was going out on a limb for her. "OK, well, considering what you both have given to the lab over the years, I'll just have to work this out, I guess."

"Thank you, Conrad," Gil graciously offered as he rose to leave, fighting the urge to say what he really thought.

"See you on the 14th, Sara."

"I'll be ready."

As they headed out of the building to the car, Sara asked Gil, "So, what did you think?"

Gil cocked his head and smirked, "I think he had to try hard not to pee on himself he was so excited to get you in this arrangement. Think about it, as willing as you are to work anywhere you are needed and with your field experience, you will be able to plug all sorts of holes and assist the new CSI's like no other lab tech." He threw his arm around her shoulder as they walked out in the parking lot.

Sara could only laugh at her husband's observation. "I'm just so glad you were there," she grinned. "The Great Gil Grissom, after all!" she bellowed trying her best to imitate Ecklie.

Grissom glared at her for a moment before bursting into laughter. "He is one annoying man." Shaking his head, "You win my prize for mother of the year to put up with that for our son's sake."

"After everything I've been through, that doesn't faze me like it used to." She inhaled deeply, "There was a time," she looked off, her expression turning serious, "I would have never been able to hold back some comment that would have landed me in whole lot of trouble." True, in the past Sara would never have sat by while Ecklie made those sarcastic, hurtful remarks about her and Grissom, but then she lacked the communication skills to effectively deal with it.

Gil reached down to open her door, when she looked back at him; she was suddenly hit with a stunning revelation. It was an odd time and place for such an epiphany, but there it was. She saw first hand how she had changed. She was pelted with Ecklie's slings and arrows, yet she maintained her intellectualism, and rose above it all. She had complete command over her communication. "You know," she spoke, "I feel like myself, but," she paused, a look of wonder washed over her face, "but, it's like I've been reborn, like I get to start all over."

He paused, looking deeply into her auburn eyes, understanding the meaning behind that profound statement. He reached up to cradle her cheek, "You will always be my Sara, and I wake up everyday and thank God, you have been reborn, with me."

He pulled her into a tender kiss, which grew with passion as their love flowed between them. They were transported momentarily from the lab parking lot to their own private world. More than a few pairs of eyes paused on this often rumored, but never seen occurrence; unlike past times, the couple was completely oblivious.

When they lapsed back into reality, Gil eased Sara into the car, and proceeded to drive off.

You never know when the most routine, mundane moment of life will become life altering. A simple meeting, yet it was proof that positively every aspect of her life had been remade. Sara's therapy had given her power in her dealings with Ecklie that she had never before possessed.

The process was now complete. Sara had overcome her demons, and returned to Gil. He had accepted her, and together they wove their lives together into a seamless fabric. They further cemented their bond with the arrival of Mathew, and dedicated themselves to their new formed family. They passionately embraced their family life that neither thought they would ever have.

The last piece of the puzzle for Sara was work. She had always worked, and her mind needed that challenge to be whole. Now that she was accepted into a position she could manage, one that would provide the hurdles and rewards she craved without risking her well being, without interfering with her new found roles of wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend; the journey was complete.

Their departure from the lab parking lot was hardly something new for them, but this day, this time, they were actually doing so much more. Together they were embarking on their new life, bonded, fixed, and whole. Reborn.

Fin.

A/N: Thank you to all reading and reviewing. I was hesitant to write this story essentially about treating mental illness, when I have so little experience in the field, but your support has been tremendous. I'm so glad I took it on. It's been very rewarding. At some time in the future, I would like to do an epilogue, a peek into the future, just for fun. In the meantime, thank you, and please leave your thoughts on this finale.


	22. Epilogue

Disclaimer: I still don't own CSI or these characters.

**Epilogue: Two years later….**

"This is heaven," Catherine moaned as the masseuse magically moved across the knots in her tense back. "But, I'm never betting with you again, you take too long to pay off!"

"True," Sara blew out, moaning from her massage table positioned along side Catherine's. "I can't believe we didn't do this sooner." She sighed, "Different schedules, a toddler, a house, yada yada yada….it makes the time fly."

Sara was _finally_ paying off the bet she made with Catherine, a day at the spa, on whether or not she would have a completely natural delivery. By the end of that marathon endeavor, Sara had availed herself of every available adjunct modern medicine could offer, rightfully so, and losing the bet within the first ten minutes of arriving at the hospital.

"Too, true," Catherine understood. "So, Sara, rumor has it Ecklie is still trying to give you a promotion. I mean I don't get it; I don't even understand how you manage to stay part time!"

"Oh, sure, he won't give up, but I think it's, oooooh, um, not so rough, please," Sara reacted to some intense pressure applied to her shoulder blades, "anyway, my whole life was that lab at one time, but thankfully, it's just not anymore."

"When are you going to teach me how you manage to say 'no' to all the requests to work doubles and OT."

"And," she drew the word out for emphasis, "I keep telling you it's not rocket science just say the word and go home."

Sara was holding fast to her part time status. She had no problem saying "No!" to the many call out and overtime requests. "That was the deal!" she reminded her supervisor and lab director. "The dead can wait, I want to be with the living," she would declare when they kept on her.

Nevertheless, Ecklie was completely result oriented, and couldn't miss the effect Sara had on the day shift. He tried everything he could think of to entice her to work more. He even offered her a promotion and a raise created just for her. Even that fell flat; Sara wouldn't budge.

"So what's up with the promotion Ecklie keeps throwing at you? What name did he come up with?"

"Assistant Supervisor, and yes, he's always hounding me about it." She started laughing, "You're not going to believe this one."

"Try me!" Catherine shouted back enthusiastically.

_Scanning the bloody bed sheets with a magnifying light, Sara was intently processing the evidence collected from a brutal rape and murder case. She was alone in the layout room, completely focused on the task at hand, but with one eye on the clock. Immersed in the evidence, but not having to see the whole scene, the fallen victim, the grieving loved ones, the life left behind, she was free to dissect the evidence objectively._

_Earlier that shift, they had been hit extra hard. They needed the CSI's who gathered the evidence in the layout room back out in the field on a double. Bob Reilly, the day supervisor, came to Sara who was working in trace, "I have some evidence from a rape and murder case; it's all in the layout room waiting for an incredibly brilliant CSI to process."_

"_Ooooh, Bob," Sara shook her head, "way to butter that toast!" She grinned, "I'll give you two hours of OT today, and I'm going to have to leave. I'll come in early tomorrow and pick up where I left off. Best I can do," she shrugged. _

_Bob Reilly knew better than to argue with her. She was steadfast in her family time. "I'll take it," and he turned to walk out of the room._

_That's where Conrad Ecklie found her. _

"_I knew I'd find you still here," Ecklie pronounced upon entering the room and disturbing the process. "Reilly told me he talked you into some OT."_

"_Well, Conrad," Sara straightened up, "what brings you in search of me?"_

_He smiled that smug grin he displays when he wants something, "Sara, Reilly is out of people, we really need you to finish this evidence."_

"_I told him, I'd give it 'til five, then I'm gone. I can come in a little early to pick it back up, but that's it."_

"_Doesn't Grissom have the kid?"_

_Sara just laughed, "Yes, he does, and I want in on it!" She rearranged the sheet she was working on and continued, "Right now they are playing pitch and catch, and I'm missing my turn at bat." _

_Rolling his eyes, but also realizing that tonight was out of the question, he started in on the big picture, "Well, on another subject, did you get my promotion proposal?"_

"_Yes, and it looked like the same thing you've been trying to get me to take for a couple of years now."_

"_Well?"_

"_It hasn't changed, when Matt is in school, I'm available to work more, but not until then."_

"_The lab needs you; I need you."_

"_Mmmm," Sara cocked her head, "The last person to say those words to me was Gil Grissom. And, look where that ended up."_

"_Oh, geez," Ecklie recoiled in shock. He recalled Grissom saying _'She's a great criminalist, Conrad, and I need her."_ He was extremely uncomfortable finding himself in a similar conversation. _

"_Relax Conrad," she shrugged, "it was just a joke."_

"_I don't see anything humorous in sexual harassment."_

"_Take a chill pill, Conrad; I'm harmless, just trying to have some fun in a humorless job."_

"_How do I know you don't have a fetish for men in charge?"_

_Sara smiled her trademark grin, "Oh, touché'," nodding, "that was good, really good; who knew you had a sense of humor?" she giggled as she went back to her work._

"_How else do you explain a beautiful, talented woman falling for a frumpy old geek like Grissom? A fetish, that's it! I better watch it around you." he threw up his hands walking out into the hall. Sara enjoyed finally getting Ecklie to lighten up. It was a major accomplishment._

"I cannot believe you got away with that one! I hear you've got Ecklie and Riley eating out of the palm of your hand," Catherine was fishing for day shift scoop.

"More or less," Sara grinned into the hole in the massage table.

Catherine had been invaluable to Sara when she first returned to work. She had to overcome several obstacles, but Grissom had trouble understanding her plight. He had been in charge for so long, he didn't understand how challenging it could be to work in a system you didn't control, and didn't totally agree with. Catherine became the perfect sounding board for Sara's initial frustration with day shift's ways.

"As different as Grissom and Ecklie are, it's amazing that the same tricks that work on one, work just as well on the other when you need something done your way. Your advice has been very helpful that way." Sara laughed knowingly, "Men!"

Satisfied that her friend had the day shift leaders under her thumb, Catherine let the subject drift off, as the two woman oooohed and aaaaahed their way through the rest of their massage. Next they were treated to manicures and pedicures, and the conversation resumed.

"Has Grissom mentioned anything to you about the stats?" Catherine knew the day shift was catching up to grave, and it was bugging Grissom, although he was too much of a team player to admit it. Ironically, it was Sara's influence that was largely responsible.

"No," Sara paused, "you know I don't bring that up. He's so protective of the team's performance. That's been a sore subject lately."

Grissom's graveyard team traditionally lead the lab in every measure of quality there was. The day shift was full of glory seeking individuals whose sole goal it was to impress the supervisor Bob Reilly or the lab director Conrad Ecklie. Needless to say, this resulted in a lot of acrimony, turnover, and inefficiency.

This was the culture Sara entered when she started back to work. She brought the graveyard shift _team_ ethic to the day staff, all on a part time schedule. So, it wasn't long before the less experienced CSI's learned she would help them when their senior colleagues would not. Almost overnight, she became the 'go to' person. She advised them on processing techniques and helped them see where to look for evidence. They even called her for advice when she was off the clock, but she didn't mind, she would give them quick advice and go back to her life. Ironically, if it was something beyond her, she would run it by Gil for his input, so in effect, he was also helping the less experienced of the day shift.

Sara's efforts went largely unnoticed by Ecklie initially, but couldn't be missed by those she was helping. Cases were getting solved, people were learning from each other, and when they emulated that, their jobs all got easier. The culture was changing. People were offering to help, even if it meant no individual credit. The reward was in the success. It was infectious.

The statistics of the day shift began to rise once she settled in. The turnover of personnel dropped. They were thriving. This wasn't lost on Ecklie. He pulled out each CSI, reviewing their performance, and enquiring how they managed to improve. Without exception, they all credited Sara's input to some degree for their improvement. He was stunned, but knew a good thing when he had it. Within six months, he was trying to get her into the lab more often, when that failed, he came up with the promotion, but Sara still held onto her part time schedule, unyielding.

"I really appreciate the lab, the challenges, I need that in my life, but if I don't have enough time with Gil and Mathew, I can't function."

"I must confess," Catherine began, "sometimes I think about you and Grissom together, and I still can't believe it. All those years and we didn't know."

"Well, it took a _long _time for love to turn into a relationship." She shook her head, "I mean, between my attachment issues and Grissom's, mmm, let's just call it his lack of social skills," they shared a laugh, "it took quite a while for us to build a relationship."

"So, when did you first know you were in love with him?" Catherine never ceased to wonder about this enigmatic romance.

Sara displayed a pensive expression, "Looking back can be painful, there are so many times when he drew me in, only to push me away. I'm sure I was in love from the beginning, but couldn't admit it to myself, it was too painful because it went unfulfilled."

"What about for him?"

Sara laughed, "He says he fell in love at first sight, but it scared him, so he couldn't give into it, but he couldn't let me go either." She shook her head, "I don't know who needed more therapy, me or him."

"At least you've got a name for your disorder, what's his excuse?" Catherine replied, laughing.

"We'll never know," Sara blew back, "He is an entity unto itself, unique to be sure, but" she cocked her head, "I fell in love with all of that, the man is who he is, and if he was freer with his feelings, maybe we wouldn't be where we are, who knows?"

"OK," Catherine grinned, "When did he first _tell _you he loved you?"

Sara laughed at the memory, "You won't believe this, but the first time he told me was in a letter, a letter that I found, he couldn't even give it to me. And, the sentiment was expressed in a quote from Shakespeare! By this time, we had been living together for about a year." She shrugged, "but I can't say anything, I loved him with all my soul, and I couldn't tell him either."

Catherine was stunned. She and Sara had many heart to heart talks once their friendship got past Sara's attachment disorder, yet Sara had never divulged this aspect of her relationship before. It was truly a miracle what this couple overcame to be together.

Sara laughed, "Don't feel bad though, it's a one of those 'they lived happily ever after' stories; we tell each other we're in love several times a day now."

"All I can say is that I couldn't be happier for you both. It's completely obvious how content you are together. You both deserve everything you have."

Sara smiled back at Catherine. She was grateful for her friendship and support. "So what about you?" Sara winked, "Who's getting your attention these days?"

"Well," Catherine smirked, and shifted uneasily, "Remember that ADA, Ron Grey?"

"Um, wait a minute," Sara's searching look brightened, "Oh, yeah!" she grinned broadly, "Hot, but isn't he married?"

"Not any more."

"Whoa!"

"We're dating, but it's not too intense; I mean, this guy was really torched, gun shy as they come."

"How does my friend Lindsay like him?"

Lindsay and Sara had become quite close in the past few years. In Sara's new found openness, Lindsay found a knowing, mature confidante. Conversely, in Lindsay, Sara found a babysitter. Not just any babysitter, but a reliable, dedicated one, whom her son adored. Gil and Sara employed Lindsay once a week, giving her a steady stream of spending money, and for them a regular date.

"She hasn't weighed in yet."

Just then the manicurist declared Sara's fingernails were done. She sat back admiring her fingers and toes, "You know," she cocked her head to change her angle, "I've never done any of this stuff."

Catherine's jaw hit the floor.

Sara arrived home to find her to find her two favorite men had set down their ball and gloves in an endeavor to capture one of God's tiniest creatures. Imminently successful, Mathew held up the Mason jar holding his new pet up in awe, along with all the necessary survival plant material.

Upon seeing that his mother arrived home, Mathew ran full speed to show her the most recent acquisition of his burgeoning collection.

"Oh, my," she exclaimed, making sure her admiration of the feat was quite obvious, "Mathew, he's amazing."

"Good thing I dwopped that fly ball else I nevuh woulda seen him!" he grinned.

Sara beamed in admiration of her son. Matt gravitated to the game of baseball with his father's passion. He naturally poured over strategy and stats; and long before he could even read he could find the box scores in the paper and see who was getting hits.

Grissom's influence didn't end there. Matt was fascinated with every living creature, and his room was full of bizarre pets, typically rotating collections of various lizards, frogs, and insects. The only limitation was, he was responsible for their care, but he was obsessive in his duty to provide for his charges. At a tender young age, he was remarkably responsible and precocious.

Sara often just took in her son's passions and demeanor remarking, "Did you get _anything_ from me?" That would always put a huge smile on his face displaying the most obvious trait he inherited from his mother, a gaping gap tooth grin that could make anyone melt.

"Well, dear," Gil moved in to welcome his lover home, "How was it? All the pampering and gossip, that is."

Sara accepted his hug and nuzzle, "It was…..nice." She smiled. "At least, the bet is finally paid off. Catherine knew what she was doing with that one!"

Sara flashed her fingernails for inspection. "Hello!" Gil smiled with eyebrows raised. "So, is it fun to get that stuff?"

Sara shrugged, "It's an experience. It was mostly fun to watch Catherine. She really enjoyed herself."

They turned to walk into the house, arms around each other, following their exuberant offspring. "You were shamefully late paying off that bet."

Sara grimaced, "Don't I know it. She won't even bet with me again," she broke up laughing.

"Well, I have a bet."

"Oh?"

"I challenge you to a game of battle." This being Mathew's very favorite, and only, card game. "Me and Mattie verses Mom."

"And, the winner gets….?"

Grissom grinned, pursed his lips, and shook his head, "Either way, Matt wins an early bedtime; he took a very short nap and played hard."

"And…."

"Mom and Dad's winner gets their choice."

"Of?"

"Sexual favors, of course," he declared, diving into the nape of her neck for some pregame nibbles.

"Mmmm," Sara moaned, "something tells me if I need to pay up, it won't take me as long as I did with Cath."

The Grissom family headed inside. First a family meal, followed by the fateful battle card game, Mathew's nightly bath, bed, and story ritual, and then Gil and Sara's time together. Sara was the winner of the card game, and Gil was all too happy to pay up.

fin.

A/N: Just trying to have fun with this story that doesn't want to end, even though it's been told! Thanks to a review, I was reminded that I forgot to write about Sara paying off Catherine in their bet, better late than never...


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